Jumbled thoughts of me -
I was abused, no I was molested over several years of my life. I was just a child. I'll never be able to get those years back again. It shaped me into this person that most times I hate.
I hate the night, it brings it all back again. It's a deep lonely painful feeling. Very few people know but only a couple fully understand everything that comes with remembering and coming to terms with memories that have been suppressed for most of my life, it's exhausting and horrifying. It's intense sadness and anxiety at any given time. It's wondering what the next trigger will be and if I can handle it. It's not being able to speak when I desperately need to. It's a journey that I never imagined would be so painful and exhausting. It's telling myself I am a survivor and trying desperately to believe it. It's 2 steps forward and a giant leap back. It's not being able to sleep until my mind gives in and my body collapses. It's waking up at 4am. It's seeing that face when I close my eyes. It's not wanting to be touched by longing to allow someone to love me. It's some days convincing myself to live. Its pretending everything is ok when everything is falling apart. It's years of silence coming out for the first time and it's freighting.
There I "said it" I was molested and I will forever have to carry that with me for the rest of my life.
Sorry this was so long.
@QuietlyScreaming,
You have gone through horror during your childhood, I am so, so sorry that you went through all that. Despite that, I would like to thank you for having had the huge courage to talk to us about your abuses and what you are going through now as consequences of these. To get that courage is a tremendous step towards healing... yes I said healing, although to heal is not to be cured, wounds might always be visible.
I would like to share a few things that helped me, if you allow me to do so. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse that happened from age 3 to 12. To work out all "my stuff", I have searched for a therapist that could really fit me and that I could trust 100% (and trust was a huge issue for me). I also did a therapy technique, EMDR, that has been extremely useful for me to deal with my horrible flashbacks, they are completely gone now apart from one here and there, very rarely. You can google it if you want, EMDR might be a wonderful way to deal with bad memories.
Hopefully you will find one of these ideas useful for you. I wish you to feel better with time, from the deepest of my heart.
Please take gentle care. Kindest Regards,
Gilles
What you have gone through is horrible. But you can be cared for and loved here. Better days are coming.
@bestVase7265 I'm a little late on my response. Thank you.
You are not late at all. Take time and find people who care. You are worth it🙂@QuietlyScreaming
