I'm just realizing that I have C-PTSD
This got kind of long. I'm not the best at communicating this stuff.
I'm just realizing that I actually have C-PTSD after blowing off the doctors and psychiatrists who tried to diagnose me years ago. I always knew that I had a *** childhood, but I always treated it as a fun story to tell. Now, at the age of 20, it's sinking in that that was my life.
I'm living with the effects it had on my mind in the long run after years of denying the impact. I always said that the way my brother and mom treated me was a reflection of them, because they were the ones doing it, so my identity wasn't affected at all. Wrong. I can't get my childhood back, and I feel like I'm stuck in the past now more than ever.
I had another traumatic experience in high school involving SA, and I was also bullied in high school for that situation. It basically ruined me, and now I can't hold down any friendships. Most of my friendships and romantic relationships ended in more drama, and I'm just paralyzed.
I'm lonely and only have 2 friends, my dad and my boyfriend, but the thought of trying to go out there and make new friends terrifies me. I feel like it'll end with me being the villain all over again, because I'm always the therapy friend who gets dropped and called a burden when they need support. It also doesn't help that one of those 2 friends is the guy who SA'd me. I forgave him because it was complicated and we are best friends, but my feelings are all over the place. I don't think anyone really understands what it was like between us, and outside judgement makes me sink my heels in about it.
Sorry for the rant. It just feels like most of my life has been one traumatic situation after the other. I wish I could summarize everything into one concise post, but there's so much, and I feel like I'm drowning now that my life is peaceful. It's all catching up to me. A lot of the abuse was emotional and now my emotions are haywire with it gone.
@gentleWriter7652 I'm sorry to hear that you've been through so much and are struggling with the aftermath of it all. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge and confront the impact of past trauma, and I'm glad you're taking steps to do so.
It sounds like you've been through a lot of difficult experiences and are carrying a heavy burden of emotional pain. It's important to remember that healing from trauma is a process, and it can take time to work through the emotions and find a sense of peace.
I would strongly recommend seeking out therapy or counseling with a licensed professional who specializes in trauma. They can help you process the emotions and experiences you've been through in a safe and supportive environment. It's also important to prioritize self-care and engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
Regarding your relationships, it's understandable that you may be hesitant to put yourself out there again after being hurt in the past. It's important to set boundaries and communicate your needs in relationships. Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and it's okay to walk away from relationships that don't serve your well-being.
Lastly, forgiveness is a personal choice and process, and it's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being above anyone else's. If you're struggling with forgiving someone, it may be helpful to explore those feelings in therapy or counseling.
Remember that healing from trauma is possible, and there is support and resources available to you. Take things one day at a time and be gentle with yourself.
