I don't know where to even begin...

Hi, I am really scared.. I think PTSD has ruined my life.. it is not the dominating issue right now, but I think it caused it. The tramua was repetitive over a several years and I think has caused a number of issues.. ANyway.. here's the story. <gulp>

I am a 39 year old Army Officer currently serving in the Afghanistan. I am married, with two young boys under 10, and have been with my wife since high school. I have served for just under 20 years now, having joined as a soldier in 1998. I have deployed twice to East Timor, once to Iraq, and am nearing the half-way mark of my current deployment.

I have struggled on and off with various mental health challenges over the years.. without ever really failing into any one category. Ive seen psychologists for some 'stress management in 2001, PTS and family issues in 2010, and from 2015 onwards Ive been seeing a psychologist on and off for various things.

I have just recently returned from R&R leave with my family, where some brutal truths were told. I have realised, among other things.. that the intimacy between my wife and I has been broken (for some time), and she is not overly interested in trying to reconcile it. This is really a symptom of where things have gone over the years.

I have done a lot of self analysis.. and I guess the easiest way is to retrace that analysis to let you know where I am at. I can provide more detail later of course.

I have had three deployments in the period 1999 - 2005 as well as some pretty traumatic work related experience in 2000-2002 that may have caused some PTSD. I have never been diagnosed.. and ‘always coped, so I never really accepted the ‘D part. This period in hindsight, saw a dramatic decline in my self esteem, the onset of anxiety related issues, a decline in the intimacy between my wife and I, and the emergence of some performance anxiety issues.

In the period 2006 - 2015 I steadily declined. I became more focussed on work. I started exploring sexually explicit sites, in particular fetish related sites. I tried to bring this into our marriage, which was keen to try anything.. but none of it actually worked for us. The sexual interest became an obsession and then an addiction. It culminated in me having unfaithful conversations with another woman. When my wife found out it nearly destroyed our marriage. We tried hard to rescue it, including me seeing a psychologist at work (now private). One angle we explored was Gender Fluidity, as reason for some of the addiction to a large spectrum of the addiction. We didnt know it was sexual addiction at the time.

In the period 2015-2018 it all declined even further. I was fully supported by my wife, and encouraged by my psychologist to keep exploring it, despite internal feelings that it just wasnt right. The Gender Fluidity expression only made the intimacy gap between my wife and I widen beyond reconciliation. One of the fetishes that I enjoyed was cuckolding, where the wife is unfaithful and the man is monogamous. This was the only interest that my wife found she could continue.. and wants to continue still in an open marriage. She has almost given up all hope on our own intimacy.

I have now just been informed that she doesnt want me (intimately).. at all. I thought it was just a temporary state. I am devastated.. and through self analysis I have realised that GF is not for me.. if anything it has just hidden sexual addiction further. I am now of the mind that I might have PTSD.. that it has caused low self-esteem and anxiety issues, including performance anxiety and sexual addiction.

I am now really struggling. I cant sleep properly. I am trying to work through it.. I think I need helping so many areas… and I dont know where to start. The regret at not addressing things earlier is hard to deal with. The shame, the blame, the hate.. it is really powerful.

Im really keen to talk to someone about this.. I have request an online therapist.. but timezones don;t line up very well.. I just want to make it all better...

Dan