Events before conscious memory

How do events prior to conscious memory shape ptsd symptoms for children? Is there a way to move beyond those symptoms as an adult?

I've been told that my father bullied me when I was a baby and that I'd cry and scream whenever he was around until I was about three years old. My mother says it is a major reason she divorced him. I only have one foggy memory of this where I had to be dragged out from under my bed to go to his house.

I remember admiring his intelligence and wit, and I wanted to have his approval and tried to avoid saying or doing anything that might make him think I was stupid or incapable... he was sharp and critical and struggled with alcohol abuse, but was never violent. He stopped drinking so he could be in my life. I have a lot of compassion and love for my dad, but there is a disconnection. lt is like being in the beginning stages of relationship where one doesn't entirely trust the other but really wants to trust, and that is where we've been for 30 years.

I have this sinking feeling that those early experiences shaped some of who I am, how I orient toward the world and relate with others, how I express myself, and the severe behavioral and emotional problems I had as a child. It isn't all on him or anything, but it bothers me that I can't know one way or another what exactly happened between us, or know how to fix the problems it caused.