unacknowledged childhood trauma, trigger warning for domestic abuse situation

I'm fairly certain my childhood could be considered traumatic - at least, logically. I have a difficult time acknowledging it emotionally because I was in therapy all through adolesence, but the traumatic conditions I lived through (to my knowledge) were never discussed or considered related to my dysfunctional behavior, even as it was occurring. I second guess whether or not I have a right to my feelings about anything. Yet, when I read about other people's experiences here, I relate to the coping mechanisms for trauma very much.

I don't understand why I was told by doctors that my avoidant behaviors and phobias as a 12 year old were because I had a depressive disorder that needed treatment with medication, as if it was entirely separate from the instability of my home life at the time the symptoms began.

Between 10 years old and 16, my mother left my stepfather, we moved upwards of 20 times, and were homeless off and on for two years. The things I saw and experienced at home, on the street and in shelters were awful... but, I never recoginzed it as 'trauma' because it never fit the stereotype of what I thought it could be. I didn't know what verbal abuse was, or emotional abuse. I didn't know that witnessing abuse against others could cause trauma. I certainly couldn't claim systemic abuse in homeless shelters, public schools, and mental health clinics as trauma... right?

I grew up with this implicit expectation that no matter what bad things happened, any negative reaction or inability to push on and cope with it was abnormal. I'm angry that the trouble I had in school - truancy, hiding in bathrooms, daydreaming, not completing assignments, paranoia of the teacher or classmates' intentions - were treated as signs of inexplicable mental illness or deliquency rather than possible trauma. It is so confounding that I believe I must have missed something, that somehow I forgot or didn't notice the acknowledgement. Why did I never feel it? Is it my fault, because I never trusted any teacher or 'professional' enough to tell them what was going on?

In a psych report from when I was thirteen, an evaluator mentioned that I wrote a story in which a child had 'done something wrong' was not at fault because the parents had acted wrongly (no details given). The evaulator noted that this shows that I did not like taking responsiblity for my actions and blame others for my problems. Reading that as an adult, it infuriates me that this is how my situation was viewed. For one, my focus on placing blame should have been a red flag. Two, if they had any interest in my history at all, they might notice my stepfather had been in prison for 20 years and my mother had recently left him due to abuse, and maybe that might influence why I'd question parental fitness.

Four years earlier, I called the police because my stepfather was punching and throwing things in our living room during a fight with my mother. She had told me to call the police if he ever got violent again, but the call violated his parole. The fight was immediately forgotten and they looked terrifed, taking the phone from me and hanging it up. I came to the sudden realization that adults couldn't always see the consequences of their own actions... that they could be as out of control as any unruly, tempermental child. My stepfather's violence scared me because I thought he knew what he was doing. When I realized that wasn't true, it fundementally changed how I viewed adults and my relationship with them. I was no longer afraid of him or his authority over me. I always had the moral high ground, no matter what he did, and that gave me an odd sense of strength. I didn't trust anyone to tell me what was right and wrong anymore.

That is what was reflected in that story.... and yet, I still don't know if I'm justified to feel the way I do. It is one many experiences that I haven't been able to reconcile. I might be processing these things for the rest of my life.