tw* rocky road of my life
i want to turn this into a diary of my life so that i learn to accept it gradually, i guess i’ll start off by saying: i never thought i’d ever come up front and ask for any sort of professional help. i always felt it was too late; because the five years of ongoing depression and anxiety— i feel as if if i tell the people i’m close to it would be dismissed or not acknowledged as much as i want it to be. i’ve never told them about the pain i’ve held for so long. i hide it so well almost like it’s in my nature; in person i seem happy and outgoing, but when i’m home i refrain from texting them but it’s unintentional. sometimes i wish i could be upfront with those emotions because being closed off chips away at those friendships. i’m still drowning with the trauma i have from past ‘lovers’ and family relationships. i don’t expect anyone to understand it anymore, because all my friends i’ve told diminish it and tell me to move on but i cant. i know i should be proud for reaching for help but i’m ashamed i let it dive this far where i would be writing on an app/website i didn’t know existed a year ago. i feel embarrassed that the only listeners i feel would truly understand is a stranger on the other side of a screen vs someone that’s been there for me every second throughout my life. i hope, though, that i learn to open up regardless to this little thread. i hope i see better days.
*yw selfharm and drug use* i’ve forgotten a lot of the things that’s happened to me but lately i’ve been remembering again and it’s been really difficult for me. most days i’ve just slept and i’ve fallen off good habits like working out and maintaining a good food diet. i binge more at night now which makes me feel awful. i’ve stopped contacting friends and i’ve even ruined a few friendships because of how i’ve been feeling. what’s worst is i don’t even know why i feel this bad, i go numb a lot, i barely cry but when i do it’s non stop or i turn it off and don’t feel anything again. i miss my friends but i’m not me anymore. im so unmotivated so i know i needed help. i miss how i was and i want to retrieve that but i know it’s going to be a long process. i’ll face the first few demons of my past, i cant tell what uplifted my depressive state but i knew it was there. years of getting bullied fueled my sadness and i would get so upset i didn’t know if i could feel anything else. i would self harm just to feel something else and momentarily it would help. it got so bad i’d do it constantly and than escalate to the use of oxycodones. my parents never knew at time. and i was going through issues with my older sister, we will call her Macy. It’s important to point out all my sibilings are adopted, and that never changed a thing for me. I had a very good relationship with Macy for a long time but I was that annoying little sister that would snitch. we shared a room and one night she was on her phone after curfew so I had snitched. I think this was the downfall of it all because the next day she was fighting with my mom. I mean scream fighting across the kitchen back and forth. Macy was older though, enough to move out. But i didn’t know she would’ve left us. It wasn’t because of my mom, i think Macy had her own issues. She was trying to find her own identity and self expression, it just wasn’t account for how my mom had raised us. The day before Macy left, I was going to tell Macy that i felt sad all the time and i didn’t know why. I thought me and Macy had an outstanding sister relationship and I could rely on her. But the night Macy left she had cussed me out, she didn’t say bye to me or my dad and i was heartbroken. Macy moved with her birth mom (who wasn’t in the right mental state to raise kids).
*tw self harm/drug us* I had really good friends at the time who helped me cut off the bad habits like cutting and taking oxy. I’m appreciative of it. Sometimes i’d run into family inconveniences with Macy but my friends understood. I never reached for help about my depression professionally but i felt like my friend support system was enough. momentarily i felt happy, but my other sister had gotten sick. she was admitted to a mental hospital and it grew on me that it wasn’t ever my time to ask for help because my parents were dealing with so much and i didn’t want to take away from that. i focused on my sister getting better, and she eventually did. my sadness came back though, seeing how horrible my family relationships were getting i was barely close to my mom and i fought with my sisters so much there was no enjoyable memories. my other older sister (one who got sick) lost her only blood sister but in that process i feel she was so committed to trying to get her older sister back she forgot she had to be one for me and my younger sister. I don’t hold the grudge against any of my family members, but i feel like my trust with people has severely changed over time and it progressively changes.
