feeling lonely

so, I was abused when I was little. it used to be worst, my parents would neglect me emotionally and we didn't talk much. instead of sitting down with me and explaining what I was doing, they would physically punish me, for little thing such as running on our apartment or when I missed school.

I never felt part of anywhere. I still don't. most of the time I'm dissociating and just trying not to cry, holding up inside, and not feeling alive. for being ignored or scared, I don't speak up. I don't talk, unless it's something urgent or if I have to.

I feel like the worst is gone, but emotionally I feel empty. like waves hit me and I only could struggle to float and was washed ashore. I don't know what to do now. I don't know what I want, how I should feel or if I have any power over my own life.

I didn't know how to behave at school. how could anyone not go through the same things I did? how could they happily talk about what was going on the classes when I was feeling so terrible?

these days I want to talk about other things, but I can't. I feel like if I don't talk about the abuse I went through, I could explode. there isn't much anything I can feel about.