Why Do I Do this?
So I grew up with a family member who was verbally abusive to me and slightly physically abusive. He was in the military and liked to act superior to me. I was able to remove him from my life in 2012 but he resurfaced briefly in 2017.
I'm very embarrassed to admit this but ever since he tried to be in my life again I sometimes imagine having sex with him in which I dominate him. I feel like it's saying I want control of how he impacts me but fantasizing about it makes me feel sick. I would never actually want to do that.
So my question is why do you think I am having those thoughts?
And more importantly, how do I find a way to stop having them?
Thanks for any advice!
@Ghosting101
Hello Ghosting!
I'm extremely sorry to hear that the family member behaved in a manner that was abusive towards you.
I read through your post-I can see why you would feel repulsed by a fantasy-where you would dominate over the family member and notice that you've interpreted the fantasy to be your way, of gaining control over how your previous interactions with the specific family member affect you.
I can understand that it must be bewildering to have these thoughts-though consciously, you have no intention of committing them/acting on them and I want you to know that, I believe you-when you say that you have no intention of acting on them!
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with us-it may have been weird typing it out-but you aren't alone in experiencing thoughts that you would rather not experience!
I am leaving links to some resources-that you may find helpful and may assist you better in identifying what these thoughts are:
https://drmartinseif.com/how-to-tell-if-your-thought-is-an-unwanted-intrusive-thought-2/
https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/unwanted-thoughts
Please note that I am not indicating that these are the thoughts you have-but rather am referring these links to you, in the hope that you can go through them and know for yourself if these are the thoughts you have. You know yourself best!
Please feel free to reply/post below-this is a safe and anonymous space-and you are welcome to do so-I look forward to hearing from you, Ghosting!
@bouncySalamander26 Sorry for my very late response. I've been sitting on this and for awhile the thoughts stopped but I just had a dream about us having sex (more of a nightmare actually) last night so it's obviously not been remedied. I have a therapist but it's already so hard to talk about this through typing, I am terrified to speak about it out loud to anyone. It just makes it more real and actually saying out loud what my mind is putting me through that feels so very shameful and wrong is scary. I know this isn't my fault but there is still so much shame about these thoughts and nightmares I can't seem to escape. I know in order to heal I probably need to tell her about it but I'm absolutely mortified. I have no idea how I can talk about it without causing myself to disassociate because it's too much for me. I shut down and stop what I'm doing anytime I think of these things or am reminded about my dream. I crave control in my life and the thoughts of me dominating him are a form of control however, the thought itself is not something I have control over. It's a recurring problem. I'm sure healing requires some intense thought changing practices that won't happen right away.
@Ghosting101
That's absolutely okay, Ghosting! You don't have to apologize or feel pressured to reply here, Ghosting
I can see why the recent dream could have been mortifying and terribly dreadful for you to experience-and recollect-I'm truly sorry you had to experience it.
I kind of understand what you mean when you say that saying it aloud almost makes the dream more real. In the sense that, speaking it aloud almost feels like a conscious acknowledgement of the fact that you had a dream in which the scenario of yourself dominating over the family member in sex, played out? It's understandable that you'd feel incredibly embarrassed about it-about the thought that you dreamt it! In reading what you've said- it sounds like you are at least peripherally aware that you aren't responsible/the reason for the cause of these dreams. It's honestly great that you're able to acknowledge and be aware of that, and felt okay writing it out!
Would it be fair to say that the recollection of the dream feels too intense/overwhelming for you, and you dissociate as a means to cope with that intensity? I can only imagine how acutely difficult it must be for you-to experience a thought whose existence you have little control over, and the thought of whose occurrence makes you feel disgusted. The lack of control in the dream's occurrence can especially be crippling.
Finally, I'm glad to hear you have a therapist. I acknowledge how discomforting it must be for you to speak about this-Especially, as you're likely saying it in person to them, and it's not an easy task in the least to be able to narrate something you feel ashamed about. Do you personally feel there's something you, or your therapist could do-that might make the narration process a little easier on you?
I eagerly await your reply 
Best wishes!