Trauma Time! Heavy TW: specific triggers on certain entries
Hey, so I cope with humor. Apologies in advance. My memory is terrible from years of disassociation and repression. So I thought I'd start a journal so I can actually remember my own experiences. I used to have a poetry account but my ex harassed me off of that. So there might be poems in here. We shall see.
7/9/21 tw: sexual trauma, and self harm So tonight I nearly sliced my chest. I sat on the floor shaking from memories. Not even visual ones but just feelings, emotional flashbacks I believe is the technical term. I have a rather large saw, used to cut foam because I'm a design student or I was until I went on leave. I sat on the floor and I gently sawed on my breasts but I stopped before it went to deep to leave a mark. I'm ashamed of myself because I've had self harm urges since I was 10 years old but I've rarely if ever given into them. The deep shaming I know I would experience from my family has always held me back. That and the fear I'll get addicted to the pain. I've always really liked to hurt. I think about being an eight year old child and pulling my old brother back as he tries to twist his arm until it breaks. Then, I tell myself you are just as bad as anyone who has ever used their self harm and suicidal behavior to manipulate your emotions. I was texting my friend that I wanted to hurt myself and I stopped halfway through so deep is my fear of becoming like my abusers. The word abuser seems to harsh but I can't fathom what else to call it. Toxic person doesn't begin to cover it. I've decided that abuse does not exist in a vacuum that someone can rape you and not be an evil monster. I've decided the society likes to simplify abusers and pretend they are nothing but bad because it makes us uncomfortable their humanness. But I have empathized with anyone who ever hurt me. It was a survival tactic I suppose. The funny thing about survival tactics is that as we grow older they morph into the very things that kill us. And we seem crazy in a healthier dynamic. We become the toxic ones if not to the whole world then atleast to ourselves. To avoid seeming crazy I think we repeat patterns. I did that with my ex. 5 long years of tolerating so much and not even realizing that there was anything wrong. It felt familiar. It felt safe. After he raped me I felt betrayal but when he came back and told me he would turn himself in. Cried about how horrible he was. Manipulated my emotions. And then we hugged and kissed in the rain. I really thought that everything can be forgiven and it was so validating to have some one admit to hurting you and not just force forgiveness but it was just another tactic. It was just abuse by a different name.
7/11/21 tw.implied assault/abuse So during an emotional breakdown kind of dissassociative episode last night I posted something vulnerable on my public tiktok account. I have a great deal of trouble accessing my emotions or memories unless I'm in a really raw state of mind. And it seems in the future I should probably figure out away to lock my account so I won't post things when I'm not thinking rationally. Is it shame or is it a fear that my memories are false and I am crazy and manipulative. Perhaps a mix of both. I know the thing I wrote I at the very least thought of doing it alot and I feel like I definitely did it atleast once probably many times. But it is like trying to access something from a dream world. I was not myself. And now one of good in real life friends saw and like that post and this is far more uncomfortable then being seen by a bunch of strangers or even friends who are far away. If she ever asked me about it I think I would simply crawl up and pass away. Perhaps, I am overreacting all I wrote is that I used to sleep with a knife beneath my pillow. I remember doing this a few times and not even knowing why while I was doing it. I felt so unhinged then. I was doubting my experiences as I was experiencing them. Doubting the symptoms of having PTSD from a person I still lived with everyday. Hiding and repressing my fears because if I didn't acknowledge them they couldn't be real. But still the knife. I know I used to wake up my arms and skin clawed up or my blankets wrapped around my throat, trying to hurt myself in my sleep because in my waking hours my reality was being denied and my reality was mine alone. And it is like if I'm the only one who saw my pain did it really happen or am I just insane? Things that feel real in the moment feel impossible later because I can not reconcile the fragments of my mind. Everything hurts so much and I am so tired.
07/19/21 What can I say I've been having good experiences lately, going out with friends and talking to new people. But whenever I'm alone the emptiness returns being unsettled returns. I have to go back home because I need to see my hometown doctor, the wait is too long in the city I'm in right now and it is a vital appointment. Even though, I stuck up for myself and my boundaries that I will not be staying over at my childhood house. The fear is still creeping inside me. Along with that feeling that I'm overreacting because it wasn't that bad. But I believe that I can stay strong. I just need to be more open in therapy. I just need to get into treatment and take it seriously. I just need to fight for myself because no one else is going to. I need to stop being hard on myself but it is so hard. I feel inadequate.
