Trapped In a Horrible Cycle Journal

Okay so I guess this is where we just spill everything that we ca t talk to anyone else about?

I am in a secret relationship with my abuser. I'll try not to make the backstory too terribly long. So here goes...

Two and a half years ago I met a guy who happened to be my former friend's ex-husband. She was currently dating my ex bf so I didn't see much wrong with seeing her ex. And we were no longer friends at that point. Anywho, I was in an awful period in my life having separated from my husband (not my choosing or decision). We were together 19 years and had a 4 year old son together. The separation and impending divorce had sent me to a very dark place and into a full mental breakdown. By the time I met said abuser I had already been in 2 absolutely awful 'relationships' with terrible 'men' who also had been abusive towards me.

Needless to say, i was in a really bad place all around. I was desperate to find love again and in desperate need of some kind of supportive person in my life. Hence the fact I kept jumping into relationships when I really had no business even dating with the things I was dealing with.

So, I met the abuser briefly and we connected on Facebook. Some time goes by and one night I'm at home lonely and bored as usual so I reach out and message him on Facebook. He rather quickly offered to send an uber to pick me up and bring me to his place. It sounded better than being alone so I agreed. We hung out and no more than just a few days later I was staying at his house, basically living there. I didnt wanna go back to my parents bc our relationship was not good at all at that time so I asked if I could stay with him a few days, he was happy to have me there. Those few days turned into 1.5 absolutely miserable awful years. A living nightmare. I knew in just the first w weeks that this was a huge mistake, red flags everywhere! He lied to .e about having been in the military as well as being a licensed massage therapist among many many other things. His mother straight up told me I shouldn't stick around to find out who he really is and that I should run and never look back. Basically told me everything he'd been lying about and that he was essentially a deadbeat dad to his 4 kids. (None lived with him).

I ignored her warnings and stayed anyway. I try to see the good in people and made a lot of excuses as to why he cant be that awful.

Had I known then what he would do to me and put me thru I would have run for the hills that second.

So I stuck around and it wasnt like before things began to change from him being thoughtful and kind to already showing signs of jealousy and controlling behavior. He had love-bombed me. Even with those signs I made excuses for him and decided not to throw in the towel just yet.

Part II coming tomorrow...