Thoughts from a Teacup ***TRIGGER WARNING***
I figured it would probably be best to journal out my throughts and progress from day to day in here. (On a sidenote, I'm glad this section exists).
I suppose it's best to begin with why I'm here:
Growing up, I didn't have many friends, since I was a shy girl. People generally thought I was weird and wouldn't talk to me or would tease me, so anyone that would come my way was considered a blessing to me. I met her through a mutual friend in fifth grade. When sixth grade rolled around, she was my only close friend. However, she moved away seventh grade year and eventually came back eighth grade year. That's where the trouble began.
I was excited to see her. I had more friends by that point, but she and I had gym together. Neither of us actually did anything during that time besides sit around and talk. Eventually, she decided to pretend she was asleep. I was young and gullable, so I believed it. In her "sleep", she decided to touch me in ways I didnt' appreciate, If I didn't let her, she'd guilt me and make me feel bad, so it continued for a few weeks. I began to fear PE.
A few months later, she stole from a store and accused me and someone else of making her do it (we didn't, obviously). My dad knew that since I was home on the day she accused us of doing this, so he told me to not talk to her. I obliged. This earned me her screaming at me and punching me full force in the arm a few times and just cussing me and guilting me until I reluctantly began talking to her again.
She moved again at the end of that year and returned during my sophomore year. I was afraid of her and sat as far away from her as I could manage, but she'd still try to hug me and such. It made my physically ill. Luckily she moved before the end of that semester, and that was that.
Honestly, I feel like she is a big part of the reason I have intamacy issues and am uncomfortable with being touched often. I hope to eventually talk to a counselor about this (hopefully during my fall semester, since counseling on campus is free). It's taken me years to come to terms with what actually happened, and thinking about it makes me ill and anxious to this day.
4/24/2018 7:19 PM CST
Today I was able to tell my grandmother, who I live with, about the fact I had a tramua occur in my life. I wasn't able to tell her exactly what it was, since I could tell that wouldn't put me in an emotionally good place right now. She was understanding, though, and told me she would be ready to listen when I was ready to talk about it. I hope that I will be one day. In the meantime, I'm drinking a cup of Tazo zen tea to calm down and celebrate a small victory.
May 4th, 2018 11:49 PM
I told my mom. She's been having her own battles for as long as I can remember, and today was no different. I tried to convince her that life would become better, and that it just needed time. She kept asking me "When? How many years do I have to wait?" I felt horrible, since i couldn't give her a direct answer. Instead, I opened up to her and let her know about my recovery process. I was just trying to relate on any bare bone thing I could grasp on to. I just hope she understood the message I was trying to get through to her. I really have a feeling it didn't, though.
@SentientCozyTeacup
Good on you for trying to talk to your mom as you did. I know it can feel horrible when someone just doesn't seem to get it. I think its a lot to do about being ready to hear something and your mom just may not be ready for this. But nevertheless sometimes words that have been spoken are remembered and it could make sense to her in time. For now be encouraged to continue with your own healing. I'm glad your grandmother is there to listen.