So scared
I've put up with so much hate in my life. I want to talk now, but it seems like everyone else is louder than me. I don't know how to talk anymore. And sometimes I don't know how to shut up when I have to.
I have a lot of self-hatred and programming, but also a lot of self-awareness.
I need a therapist to help me with my recovery and also to help me get a grasp of my own hidden rage and anger. Sometimes I just want to hide.
Sometimes I have intrusive thoughts and feel like everyone is just pissed at me. Then I blame myself for it.
So I think I just need to focus on self-care and be quiet, reserved and cooperative for awhile so as not to ruffle any feathers. I don't want to have a loud voice. I want to be soft and gentle. I want to stop being violent, degrading and mean to people. I just want to be a normal human being.
Oh, and I was sexually abused, have schizoaffective disorder, but am recovering. I don't know if listeners are supposed to seek support on here. I guess I could have switched to my member account. Oops.
Thank you for listening. I don't like being judged, controlled or manipulated or hated. I just want to be myself.
@Kelleyd83 - In general, we definitely do encourage listeners to switch to a member account when seeking support to help keep things clear and to encourage people to be on their listener account when they are in a position to be able to give that support and on a member account when they are seeking it.
I do think it shows a lot of courage to open up here, and I appreciate you telling your story. It sounds like you're already on a path of healing, but that there are still areas where you feel it bubbling up and where you need someone to talk through it all with and process with - I hope that you find a listener who is a good help for that.
I found what you said about wanting to be soft interesting - I think sometimes it feels like it's easier to fall back and blend in, rather than to feel loud or angry emotions, but any emotion you're feeling is valid and is worth working through and exploring, not just burying to feel more 'acceptable'. Finding healthy ways to express those harder emotions is far more important than trying not to have them at all.
another vent because i never got to do these things...
i'm scared because i'm projecting my own (and my family's) repressed rage onto the environment. I have anger and when I project (instead of own) it, i believe everyone is angry at me, so i feel fear.
the primary (or real) emotion is anger, the fear is a secondary emotion from my projections.
Unfortunately, i'm dealing with the secondary emotions right now until i start to feel better. my solution for this is self-care, prayer and relaxing. trying to avoid triggers and slowing down.
i don't know why i'm making this like a journal, but if i feel llke someone is reading it, it makes me feel better. it's a weird neurosis. i'm very weird and i know that.
i am one weird duck, and you know what else, i feel like a nobody, a loser, a failure, a piece of junk. i don't even know what i wrote in the first one. i'm moving through issues fast.
i was called stupid when i was little a lot and that really hurt. i'm going back to college and i'm excited. thank you