Recovering From My Life

Day 2

Over the past almost 14 years I've done a lot of grieving as I've pursued healing and recovery. This past week has brought another round of grieving as I've had to come to grips with the fact that my father has serious mental health issues. The thing is, I'm not grieving because he has mental illness. I'm grieving over the loss of the dream I had of being able to have a meaningful relationship with him and realize that because of his illness he is most likely incapable of having the kind of relationship I have always dreamed of having with him. This is just another lost dream that I have to grieve through.

While grieving is not pleasant, I have come to learn that it is vital if I am going to move forward. Since acknowledging my father's illness I've stopped trying to figure out why he says the things he does, why he does the things he does, why he is so brutally critical of everyone, but most importantly I have stopped trying to figure out what it is about me that's so wrong, so damaged, so fundamentally flawed, that he is unable to have a normal relationship with me. Now I have to figure out healthy, safe boundaries to keep myself safe emotionally. I can't allow myself to be marginalized, invalidated, and dismissed every time I talk with him. I can't sit and listen to him go on and on about how wonderful he is, how everyone is jealous of him, and how he never does anything wrong. I have never heard him say that he has ever done anything wrong, even in circumstances that prove otherwise beyond a shadow of a doubt.

The biggest thing that I realized in this situation is that for my whole life I have been trying to live up to the expectations of someone with a mental illness and thinking that was normal. I really do feel like a huge burden has been lifted from me, but that burden has been replaced with sorrow for what I've wanted for so long, but will never have. Sorrow has been my companion for as long as I can remember, but now, rather than being overwhelming and all encompassing, it is becoming manageable and more of a healthy emotion. I'm learning that there are times for sorrow, but it doesn't have to be constant companion any longer.

Day 3

One of the biggest things I'm focusing on at the moment is being kind to myself, and the most challenging area for me to do that is in my thoughts and self-dialog. I've come to realize that my "inner critic" (and that's putting it mildly) was trained by my father, who is one of the most hyper-critical people I have ever met. I'm trying to challenge every thought, shut down the ones that are not kind, that are not based in reality, and replace them with gentle, kind words to myself. It's very draining to stay on top of, but I know I really need to do this. After growing up with nothing but criticizm from him, the last thing I need is to carry his voice in my head.

Being able to look at the past in a healthy way can be tricky for me. It's still too easy for me to get stuck there, for the PTSD to grab me and drag me back in and not let me go. Thankfully it is easier to do now, mostly because it's become easier for me to recognize the mechanisms that come into play when I start getting stuck in the PTSD. I still hate it, but it's nice to know that things are better than they were. Looking back and seeing how far I've come in the past 14 years is very encouraging. Looking forward and knowing that I still have such a long way to go can be quite intimidating, but all I can do is move forward each day and do what I know to do for that day, to get through and get better. Living in the past is not an option for me. Living in the future isn't a great idea either as that tends to bring anxiety and stress over the unknown. Living each day, in each moment, is the best way I know to live mentally healthy, to enjoy my family, and to be present. PTSD has stolen so much from me already. I don't want to surrender any more to it.

Tough day today. Trying to sort out emotions and identify what's valid, what's true, and what's not. Finally being able to feel my emotions is great when it's the nice, fun stuff, but if you get to feel that you have to feel the negative as well. I don't care for it, but I know it's all part of it. Some days, though, it just feels completely overwhelming.

Spent yesterday decompressing from the emotional flashback I had two days ago. I hate those. I hate how real and "now" they feel even when I know that it has nothing to do with now, but to do with many, many years ago.

Today I'm feeling much more on track. I know that keeping my routines up is important, but I struggle with it almost every day. I have my basic self-care stuff down, no problem. It's getting past that that's challenging. I still get so emotionally drained at times that the most I can do is sit quietly and write, do art, or play on the computer. I grew up always pushing myself, even when I wanted nothing more than to be able to be peaceful and quiet. I was always on edge because of the unsafe environment in which I lived. Now, trying to break that habit of pushing myself no matter how I feel, well, that's really hard for me. My husband and our son keep telling me that it's absolutely okay and right for me to take time to heal from the past, and intellectually I know that's true. It's just so hard to allow myself to do so.

I do know that finding 7 Cups and being able to talk about my experiences here has helped me immensely. This leg of my journey has just started, so I know I need to be patient with myself, but that's always been tricky. I sometimes feel very much like Veruca Salt - I want it now!