Putting it out there *TW*

I wish I could just openly talk about it as I feel like it would help a little. When I was younger I was forced to go to therapy and I believe because of that, I haven’t been able to open up in therapy. Between the ages of 3-6 years old, I was abused by my brother. Raped and molested. I only remember 3 distinct times but it happened a lot. I used to go to my ‘happy place’ which at the time, was “Pickleland”. It was an amusement park and everything was made of pickles. From the rides, to the sidewalks and even people. (I don’t know why). I can still think about that place as if it were just yesterday. Anyways. One of the instances I remember is when he made me go down on him. He peed in my mouth. I cried and spit it out. He didn’t like that. Another instance, he used something wooden in me. I don’t know what it was. Every now and then I’ll feel what feels like a splinter down there. I don’t know if it’s just a “ghost” feeling of that or what but that was scary and hurtful. The other was when he had me lay on the bed naked, he squirted a bunch of lotion on my body, rubbed his body on mine and then did things. I’m glad I don’t remember /everything/. I don’t like that I remember those times but at the same time I’m glad I do because I know it happened. It wasn’t something I “made up” just because. It happened. I try to look at the bright side like it made me who I am but man am I so messed up because of it. The thoughts of myself, the anxiety, depression, the self harm that ensued. Believing (still to this day) I’m not good enough, and the only thing I’ll ever be remembered as is “that person who was touched by her brother”. According to my mom, the only reason it stopped was because when I was 6 I went to her and asked what it meant to be touched there. When I’ve tried to talk to her about it, even now, it sort of gets blown off or pushed off. Like it doesn’t matter, or it’s too embarrassing for her to acknowledge. It hurts. It hurts a lot. There’s so much more but I can’t put it together in words at the moment as I feel like I’m already blabbering on.