No where to call home
I don't know where to begin. My story is no different then most people. I had a rough childhood. I was violently abused by my mother. She would drug me on a regular basis..and when she found out I was throwing it up she used to make me eat it. Every other night she would strangle me by holding me against the wall until I passed out. I remember waking up to my father carrying me to bed. She would purposely hurt me...and one time she ran into me with a cart while we were shopping so badly that I bled for a week and a half. Nothing would stop the bleeding. Most nights she didn't feed me. But I grew to like the hunger. She would strip me down to my underwear and weigh me on a regular basis to see if I had gained any weight. ....and then chase me around the house with a razor. Not only did I get this at my home, but also at school. I was beat up every other day.. I had no safe place. Ever.The cops were called so much. No one ever believed me. It didn't matter if I had a freshly bruised eye..or a large gash on my arm. No one believed me. I started to feel like I deserved it. Everything. I ran away at 13 and finally decided that I would rather live on the streets..then to be constantly abused by everyone. I was arrested 2 months later. My grandparents took me in..the more i talk about it the easier it gets. I'm starting therapy soon to work on my eating disorder, and to learn how to cope with such a past..because it's still effects me still to this day.
@Redheadbaker7206 Hello there! I hope you remembered me in the healthy eating discussion 2 weeks (ish) ago! I remember you as the baker who (we hope hehe) will give free sweet treats. Well, I guess everyone of us has our own story and you being honest with it is really brave and strong! And yes, we will not be defined by the bad things that happened or is still happening in our lives. Go go go, redheadbaker! You can do this! 
I just wanted to say you have so much strength to have endured what you did, survive it and then decide to leave that situation. I am so sorry you suffered as you did and that you had no safe person around you growing up which every child deserves and has a right to. You must have felt very alone and isolated with all that you went through, not only having to put up with abuse at home, but also then at school. Despite all your wrote at the end, I sensed a little hope that with the counselling/therapy that you can now begin to work on overcoming the effects the abuse has left eg eating disorder. You have survived all that you have and are still here to share your experience. I admire your courage and determination to make a better life for yourself and one I hope that this help will enable you to feel safe, free from the pain you have been carrying for far to long. I wish you all the best and remember there are people here who would be very willing to support you and chat with you when needed.
I just wanted to add in addition that in no way did you deserve to be hurt. No child ever does. There is nothing you did to cause this to happen. Unfortunately the adults you grew up around, decided to abuse you. You did nothing wrong and I am only sad that the people around you could not see the person you were, protected you, loved you without hurting you.
@dancingRainbow45
Thank you so much. I sometimes forget that it wasn't normal time experience that. I used to blame myself a lot. I guess it's what fuels the self hate (eating issues). It's been very difficult to find a therapist.. I don't really know what I need. I just know I don't want to feel like this forever. It's so hard to express what you only remember bits and pieces of.
@Redheadbaker7206 I often say to try and trust your gut instincts when seeking support. You will know deep inside what feels okay for you and what doesn't. I saw you are being referred to someone with more PTSD experience. How do you feel about this? Its good that people are trying to find support thats appropriate for your needs. Im sorry you hate yourself and that this manifests in ways such as having distress over eating issues etc. Unfortunately its quite common for those who have been hurt to turn to food as a way of trying to control what is going on for them, or because they hate themselves and their body so much. You have nothing to feel bad, guilty or ashamed about. I know it may not feel this way but you truely dont :)
@Redheadbaker7206
Hello there. I'm sorry to hear that you've been through so many horrible experiences. It's shocking how much a person can endure sometimes, and your post is a reminder of the strength you have. You have been strong so long, enduring this and having the ability to come out and tell your story. It is good that you are starting therapy soon. It will seem strange at first, but you will be okay.
I want to thank you for sharing and wish you the best. <3
@Redheadbaker7206 I am so sorry to hear what had happened to you. It sounds like, through what's called self-fuffilling prophecy that you started to believe that this was normal for you specificially and that you deserved this pain and neglect, even though nobody else is being treated that way. Did you have siblings that experienced this same treatment? This must be affecting you in adulthood and your perspective on life and people, as well as the negative ties you may have with your family now. How do you feel this affected you emotionally and just overall developmentally as you became an adult?
@HelpfulNick95
It's just hard to get close to anyone. I've only ever felt numb. I was so used to b feeling this way that I thought it was normal. But it effects all my relationships. I never felt love.. and that's why I started therapy. (Well sorta it's a long story) No, my sisters were not treated this way. That's why I thought I deserved it, i thought I pissed them off.. but I have since cut ties with them. But I would like to move on. I want to feel something....
@Redheadbaker7206 you feel like you can't trust anyone or get close to anyone because of the way your mother treated you in your childhood. It basically molded your social interactions and the fact that you don't like getting too close to people because you feel they will behave the same way and treat you negatively like your mother did. Have you talked to your sisters about this and about what they can recall? Perhaps closure is what you're looking for so you can, like you said, move on
@HelpfulNick95
No i haven't told anyone. I was referred to a dr who specialized in ptsd, but I haven't gone yet. My therapist didn't want to touch on the subject too much, because she thought it would triggered a deeper relapse with my food issues. But yea, I am looking for closure. I'm busy not sure how to get it.. I'm not talking to my family.
@Redheadbaker7206
Lol I didn't mean to put busy lol auto correct lol
@Redheadbaker7206 You don't want to talk to you family because that can cause other conflict and you'd like to avoid that. I understand. So the problem is how you view others because of your mother. Was your mother ever diagnosed with a mental health issue? And you were the only one treated this way. What did your sisters do that you didn't or vise versa that would've made you different from your sisters? Trying to find the cause of child abuse is sometimes impossible because there sometimes isn't always an actual reason, and as you said you didn't do anything to provoke her behaviors towards you. Has your mother passed since? To avoid the PTSD symptoms, grounding techniques are a great way to get back to your right state of mind and realize you are safe, which might help you talk and bond with people. What sounds or events do you associate with your mother and your childhood that triggers you in today's age? Grounding techniques are basically saying facts to yourself that you know to be true like your birthday, where you are, who someone is, what your favorite food is, what your name is, what your address is. Always end the technique with something like "And I am safe" to associate safety with the result of the other statements, being true, giving you the association that safety at the moment is a fact, which should help you calm down if you are having a panic attack or something. Keep us updated :)
