No key to hide **TW**
I am told that a diary can help...so I am going to try this. Have tried journaling on paper but it always ends up in the trash. I don't know how well my system will respond to this but I guess if you don't try you will never know.
This diary is for my internal struggles. I don't expect others to understand (i don't most of the time) or to reply. You can if you choose, just know i am not crying out here for support. Just a place to put into words what i am going through now in a hope i can take a look back later and make sense of things.
Writing, talking, texting, body language, communication. Not good at these things. In reality I prefer a one sided conversation, a one sided relationship, a one sided life. Not all of me feels this way but I, today, am much happier away from others.
Am I hurting myself by doing this? Am I teaching myself that this is an okay way to live when in reality people need each other. Communication is needed so that others can understand us and we can understand them.
There are others in this system that are able to make friends and enjoy doing so...but is that hurting me? I know we need to find a balance here but how can we balance when we are so different from one another? What does communication really help? Basic needs, survival, those i understand, but why more than that? How can anyone get to know me or us, we don't know our own selves? Putting into words what i think today has to be retracted tomorrow when i learn some new piece of the puzzle. So why? Can you understand me? You want to crawl out of the box and be different, be normal, but why? People are not always good at heart but they don't wear badges that tell us what they are inside. Why do you want to take the chance of that? What will it benefit?
My mind, my heart, my soul. When I was little I had such a desire to help others. As i grew older I worked hard to be better than the people I grew up with. Their faults led to pain for others and I refused to be that. In this solitude, this safety, I have become a destroyer of my own light. Where love once ruled you now rule. Where compassion once thrived you replaced it with fear and then with apathy. You may be comfortable for a time, I may be comfortable, but that comfort has its cost. Look around us. We are not what I ever wanted to be..and I am missing that drive, that desire, that person I used to be. That person I want to be again one day. Where there was light there is now darkness and in that darkness we found safety and refuge? No...in that darkness we found each other, we were reborn into you. You are not what i want to be anymore. I want to build a life where you can be set free. A life where I am strong enough that i no longer need to be you. A life where the child that i was born to be can finally grow up safely into what she saw as beautiful. Where are our abusers now? The real abusers now live inside, not outside. We have protected until there is now no need. We need to let her go so that she can be. Look around at what has been created, she is safe. Let her have a chance to finally grow up now. She has us, she can use us if she needs to...but let it be an informed decision, not a uncontrollable reaction.
She is me. She is you. Can you remember? You didn't cease to exist as we grew and became...you had to wait as we did what we had to. I know you are there...i feel your heart sometimes. Don't let it die. You are our light out of this misery we have created. Try to be you, strongly and courageously, and let us become you instead of you being us. It is time to. You were not wrong to care. We were not wrong to not. You could only do so much. You could only take so much. It is time to stop doubting yourself and start being yourself. Experiencing life from there is where you can grow and mature because it's who you are. You don't have to be a baby forever...but you have to quit relying on us to be the maturity. You have to mature with your own heart, your own perceptions, your own mind. We can do this Appy, we just had to have a reason why.
No...I am not you and you are not me, not the way you said. I am a little not a big. You can be a person outwardly by yourself, but I can't. Silence is not my choice it is my reality. If you want to be good then you have to choose to. You may need to correct your own perceptions, your own destructive thoughts, your own heart. You don't need to be me nor do i need to be you. I learn from you not you learn from me. Bigs have been through a lot, I know that. You remember things that I don't. Your reality is big compared to mine. Yes, i can grow up but for me to be able to you all have to stop fighting and hating each other...pay attention to me, nurture me, help me grow into beauty. All of the fighting is turning my hopes into dread and my fears into all that is left. If you want to be beautiful you have to choose it...it does not just happen anymore. You have experienced too much to not have to fight against being the hard person you have become. I believe you can do it but you can't expect me to do it for you. Be yourself. Be a good role model for me. Then I can grow into a beautiful person too. Until then, I will just be me, Apathy.
Appy (with help)
Oh and I would like to ask, would you be like other people and buy me stuff that I like? Other Littles have things that fit them like toys and stuff. Can I have that? Can you remember that I am here and I matter too. You don't have to act like I am not here and I can't just go away...so acknowledge me. And another thing please stop smoking and doing bad stuff. I don't like smoking or coffee or creamer or chips...please think of me. You are self destructive but I have to live through it with you.
Ideas for healing journey
This creating a plan is harder than I thought. Things sound good, are proven to help, but we are not ready for all of that. I need to think about all of this. I know I need to restart this and do it different.
1. Don't make too many changes at once.
I have noticed a problem in this area. Start with the most important changes first.
Changes to keep for now: Keep meeting with my friend each day to discuss what I have done for the day and what still needs to be done. Keep these meetings to basic things like hygeine, cleaning, eating, exercising, water drinking, and sleeping for now. Just basic needs.
2. Until starting with the T limit therapy related exercises.
Keep journaling. Limit reading other people's experiences, this is triggering us.
3. Try focusing on 1 class a day.
While all of the coping classes are good for us, they all have the potential to trigger. Another thought, we will get more out of them if we spend more time focusing on what we learned,
4. Do not try to quit all bad habits at once.
Let's focus first on quitting smoking. That is hard enough by itself. On the others, maybe we can work on limiting them rather than stopping altogether. (Coffee, creamer, chips, other junk food)
5. Work on creating a healthy diet we can all live with.
No, we can't live on chicken broth only, but we can have it sometimes. Raw vegetables are good for us, but we can make sure they are organic , washed well and used in a shake. If we can't agree on that, maybe stir fried? Vegetables cooked for 6 hours are not good to me. Too much meat is bad for us, so an almost all meat diet is not a good idea. Herbal teas are good for us, not 8 different kinds a day though. Moderation is good.
6. Hygeine is a must. Everyday.
Even on bad days please try to at least shower and brush teeth. IMPORTANT!
7. Exercise as often as we can.
It doesn't have to be a lot but a good walking workout is good everyday. Some easy yoga or tai chi can be helpful. (No twists)
8. Let's try to keep the apartment clean.
9. Try breathing techniques.
Not meditation. Breathing, accepting, feeling and dismissing.
This should be good for now.
Where to begin today? I guess with the question, why am I so unstable right now? The truth is that even as I ask the question, I know the answer. Life has changed. What once worked is no longer an option. I don't know how to deal with this because I haven't been able to adapt to the changes. I try to avoid them. I act like it should all be over soon and it will go back to where it was, but it won't.
We live in an apartment complex designed for elderly and disabled people. When we first moved in there were only a few residents that weren't over the age of 62. Very few. There were also very few residents that werent female. There was no crime, the worst we had happen here was gossip. In the last 10 years this has all changed dramatically.
Now there are a lot of males, many younger people and we have drugs, violence, and theft to deal with. I keep expecting the management to get it under control again but they can't seem to. What used to be a safe place that I really loved being a part of is now a place a hate to be.
This has taken is toll on me and now alters seem to be surfacing throughout the day more than I do. I think about moving but I realize that even at its worst it is still a safer place than others that I could afford.
This is what we have to work on. How can we feel safe here again? Is there somehow we can stand up and get others to so that we can regain our safety here? Most people that have lived here very long are uncomfortable with the changes to the point they want to move, so there has to be something we can do as a group.
Remember, the strongest statement we know is made up of 10 two letter words... if it is to be it is up to me. Those words are small but put together they are powerful. I think that is the answer, get our majority of residents on the same page and fighting together. As it is we all lock our doors and avoid the issues rather standing up for our rights to have a safe place to live. We can't just sit back and let this continue to happen to us. It will only get worse if we don't fight it... so let's come up with a plan to not only help ourselves but help or neighbors too. Of course we have to stay safe no matter what we do...but there are safe things we can do. Think on it. Ponder it. Don't just push it aside and act like it will change on its own. It's important!
Ideas: annonymous drop box for residents to inform the office of suspicious activity.
Resident council meeting to listen to and inform our residents of the problems and work on solutions.
Maybe a neighborhood watch type program for our building with someone they can call to report any incidents against our rules and lease agreement.
If you have any more ideas let's work on this together. We don't have to live in fear but we have to be willing to do our part to make it better. Doing nothing is not the option here...just look at it and see.
I have been so focused on the trauma side of my disorders that I forgot to prepare for the winter depression. I guess we remember it today don't we? This entry let's talk about things to try this year to fight the depression rather than giving up and isolating until Spring. We've come too far to get completely set back by it.
1. Get up and moving.
It is easy to give in and just stay in bed but we have to try to fight that urge. So get up, get dressed, brush teeth, comb hair...get ready to face the day.
2. Do a walking workout.
Exercise causes a natural feel good feeling, we know that. Try using that to help feel good enough to do something else. 1 mile, 2 mile, 3 mile...which ever one you can do.
3. If it is still bad, try a cup of coffee.
1 or 2 cups guys...not 10 or 12. This body can't handle that! Coffee dehydrates us...so drink water afterwards.
4. Find someone to play pool or games with.
Yes, this is hard when you want to run away from the world. Try it. 1 or 2 games and if it doesn't help do something else.
5. Clean some.
I know we have a hard time when we feel like every movement takes a lot of effort. Try it. Maybe feeling like we are getting something done well make us feel a little better.
6. Call the kids or grandkids.
Hard to think enough to talk much, I know. Try to. Write down some things to talk about before calling so we don't get that awkward "I can't think of anything to say" feeling.
7. Listen to music that isn't depressive...sing along. :)
8. Doodle, paint, color or collage a few minutes.
If it helps keep going. If not, it's okay.
9. Easy yoga...again, NO twists.
Remember breath and body awareness.
10. Deep relaxation with body and breath awareness.
11. Soak in bath and listen to positive affirmations.
12. Work on GED, coping skills or mindfulness classes.
I know it can be hard to focus and remember, but try and see how it goes.
13. Watch a comedy or something else that isn't too dramatic.
14. Cook a special meal (healthy style)
Use the matching dishes, sit at the table and enjoy. Invite someone else and have dinner in the community room together. I know appetite is a problem, but maybe try something light. We have to eat to feel better.
15. Play a game on the xbox or tablet.
16. Try to avoid the bed until bedtime.
If all else fails, remember you did your best and be happy that you tried. Prepare to try again tomorrow. We can do this if we all work together.
Why must you fight all night long? Why are you so deceptive to me? What have I ever done to you that would cause to turn on me? I can't understand. I am tired of trying to. I am at an understanding that you are truly evil and there is nothing I can do to change that. You say you are teaching me things. I don't want to learn from you. Your heart is not something I want to be like...but you are damaging my own. Why would you want me to be cold like you? I understand that people hurt each other, but you don't have to hurt me to make me feel like you do. I don't want to be like you. There is no light left in you, only dark truths. You want me to forgive you, too see your point of view but your point is that evil is okay to do if you have been hurt by others. I don't forgive that. I never will. You are a self claimed teacher...not one worthy of being like. So just quit trying to make me turn evil...or kill my desires to see people happy. You say that people are all miserable and self seeking but I don't believe you. I believe you are because you let yourself perceive the world as evil instead of rationalizing that there is plenty of good in it too. I am not your child nor your student I never will be. We may live together somehow but you aren't me and I am not you...I have had to parent myself because you weren't a parent. You were a greedy, self seeking, cruel, deceiving being calling yourself a father. You can take off all the masks now...because the truth is you made me see the real you through all of the deceit. You are strong because of your hate? No you are insane because of it. You can't even see clear truth because of your own negativity. Why don't you just let me go? I deserve that much but you are too greedy to do that aren't you? It wouldn't fit in your so called plan? I see you. I don't want to be like you. You are what makes people afraid. Mean, cruel beings who take and do whatever they want just because they want to...that's what makes people scared of others. Fear is not hate though. You say I will be like you. It isn't true,. You hate everyone and I only hate you for trying to make me hate them too. Guess your plan didn't work out after all.
