My safe space to vent and express (TW: Ga*gr***, Attempt to Mur***, PTSD)

How is trauma affecting my life and some plans ahead for this month:

In the morning first thought that comes to my head is that I was * I feel terribly weak, I want to exercise but my body and mind doesn't support. I drink warm water, open windows and balcony's door to let the fresh air in. I clean my room, mostly take a shower after I brush and sit for attending my online lectures which go on till mid afternoon. So, on weekdays I atleast have something to look up to, classes are not mandatory still I attend them because I want to study and learn as much as I can and so I am very regular in classes. I am able to make notes and grasp majority of the things. After classes, start my trauma response to triggers, because my classes and the batchmates are very triggering to me. I eat my breakfast in break time and lunch after classes.

It takes till evening to calm myself down or let go of the sadness. In the evening again I want to exercise but I just can't. So I spend time in random things, some are productive some are not. Then I study for 2-3 hours and eat then fall into a deep sadness again generally accompanied with flashbacks, etc. I go to sleep on time and sleep too but the entire night I keep waking up due to nightmares...

Plans I want to execute:

1. Exercising

2. Following a routine

3. Legal Writing Course

4. Case Compilation

5. Story Completion

6. Internship Application

7. Projects Completion

8. Identifying the times I feel more upset or low/ get flashbacks (though some are very sudden) and working on it.

9. Reading a self help book

After a long time...

No matter what you do, world is going to blame you. If you are a rape victim but you don't cry while speaking about it/ after the incident in life because maybe you are blank or you somehow healed from it or whatever reason be it, which you only know, you will be assumed as a liar, an attention seeker and story maker.

If you sob a lot, it will be told to you to move on in life, to be in present to forget the past. If you get angry because you were robbed of so much, you will be told to channelize your anger into something productive.

I have initiated legal procedures in my case...don't know where it will lead to but I want to pursue my case! This is my damn life, whatever I choose to do, it is my choice. If I don't ever heal, if I cry all the time, it is my life!! I can live according to my emotions, I am responsible for my actions, my decisions and everything then why should I give anyone any option to take the steering wheel seat of my life. No one wants to be sad. Nobody chooses to be in pain. But everybody deserves to be okay with whatever emotions they are feeling.

No 2 people are alike, no two stories are same. I don't want to hear 'move on' from anyone who has never done anything to ensure that a rapist gets punished or has ever helped a victim/survivor even to a small extent to heal themselves.

Taking therapy and living everyday, accomplishing things which are important to me. This is more than enough for me. Peace.

Something in me is dead forever!

What's that? I don't know... Just something isn't alright. No matter how much love I receive from the ones around me, no matter all the appreciation and good performances, I am not happy. I believe someone rightly said, Happiness can't be found outside unless it comes from inside.

some times I do feel what's the big deal, I can continue living my life, nothing was my fault so why should I live with the guilt or shame. we live only once why not live fully! I get all pumped up but in few hours all the motivation fades away and I burst into tears with the flashbacks and panic and so much more. The cycle continues...

You may question me and say that nobody is happy all the time and we do feel sad...but feeling sad every single day for so many hours for over 2 years for JUST SAME INCIDENTS is frustrating and exhausting. Wherein life does move on but you are struck in the past. It's like even if something bad happens to me today like failing in some paper, etc I cry but in few days I get better and move ahead but ...

Assaulted Again

About a month back somebody sexually assaulted me...I wasn't able to protect myself but I said 'no' so many times infact repeatedly...not in a position to go into details slowly and slowly I am feeling the emotions and to call everything tough would be an understatement. My body is still in pain and panic, flashbacks,etc. University reopening is sending shivers down my spine...unable to study... dysfunctional and missing my baby

Blaming myself for getting assaulted again and again...I tried to type my thoughts and feelings out but right now it is not happening, taking a break.

Random

Possible TW: Sorrow, slight graphic description of Assault, GB Syndrome, PTSD related flashbacks

It is tough to give words to flashbacks or emotions. To form proper sentences takes a lot of energy and strength and will power to let things out little by little to process them better.

I want to say to myself and anyone who happens to reads this that 'I trust you'. This sentence keeps me going. It has been a long while since I have slept peacefully those months of torture has impacted me badly. I miss that version of myself. Sometimes I question the air, "Did I ask for a lot of great things when joining the University?"...As a student and as a young woman all I wanted was new friendships, spending quality time with them, studying to build a good future, good food and memories. I didn't hurt anyone to have got treated this way...

Yesterday I accidently heard a song which one of the rapists was humming while assaulting me. It was spine chilling to hear that song...it was his turn to... but honestly there was nothing like turns everybody was all at once. I don't know if I am making any sense. I am not to myself it is confusing since I despite being an adult didn't understand what they were doing.

I have survived GB syndrome in my childhood but ever since I have slight weakness in my legs. That is not very apparent but it is damn tough for me to use my legs for any exercise without straining myself and there they kept me in same position for so long...there were a lot of emotions but the one I was feeling at the most basic level was tiredness.

Umm that's it!

I will find a way through this

TW: Losing a baby, PTSD triggers

Things are going really tough. I want my baby back somehow missing it a lot! I need to go back to the place where I got assaulted and harassed and I need to stay there for two years and study to complete my graduation. Even the thought of going back makes me extremely depressed and anxious. I had to at few times go to that place post assault for some hours for some official works and I always get sick for minimum a week after returning from that place. And now I need to stay in that campus among the people who have treated me badly...

I just try to motivate myself by saying that I will go there, complete my studies despite the hurdles and my trauma. But anyone can PTSD understand nobody 'wants' to face their trigger and be in a triggering environment for years where even a minute of being in that place causes weakness and breathlessness. On top of these, the very first thing I have to go and do there is write exams which requires a calm mind. How would I face that place, the people...

My affirmation:

Right now I should focus on preparing for exams and I am doing well in preparations, I will do good in exams, nobody and no event can snatch my potentials all they can do is put hurdles in my way. Nobody can put a full stop on my ambitions. I will slow down through these hurdles but I know I have a life ahead and that I can overcome these hurdles. I am a victim I am a survivor I am not a culprit who needs to feel guilty to face people. I have done no wrong. No matter how many triggers come, I should remember that emotions and feelings are temporary, I will be able to manage and if not I will find other ways to handle the things.