My Story (Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault)

The first time it happened to me, I was 10 years old in the 5th grade. Me, my two guy friends (we'll call them Max and Grey) and my two girl friends (we'll call them Jay and Elle) were playing 'tag' at recess at school. School... A place where we're supposed to feel safe.
Before I even start, I'm going to tell you what I was wearing because I know people are going to ask "well, what were you wearing?" I was wearing a purple t-shirt and blue jeans with sneakers. Just the typical 5th grader outfit. My hair was in two braids or a ponytail (I can't remember).
So we were playing tag near the portables, which was kind of partitioned off from the rest of the school because it was on the other side of school grounds, so teachers didn't monitor there very much. So the five of us were playing 'tag' when all of a sudden Jay and Elle needed to go to the bathroom. I didn't think anything of it, because humans need to use the bathroom. So Jay and Elle left, leaving me alone with the two boys Max and Grey.
I thought we were going to continue to play tag, but they had other ideas. They pushed me against the portable wall where I hit my head and became very dizzy. Grey held me down against the wall while Max touched me and gr*ped me wherever he wanted. I tried to scream, but Grey's hands were over my throat and I was choking.
I have been a dancer my whole life, so I was sure I could have kicked them if I felt like it, but they were both at least half a foot taller than me, 15-20 pounds heavier than me, and several months older than me, so I felt pretty helpless.
All of a sudden, Max slipped his hands under my shirt and touched my chest and then touched my pants area, and that's when my body went into shock. I couldn't breathe and I stopped fighting. I just lay there, numb, while the boys did whatever they wanted to me.
Thankfully, around 7 minutes later, the school bell rang, and the boys ran away to class, leaving me there outside. My elbows and knees were scraped up pretty badly and my head hurt so bad. I blacked out for a couple seconds. Maybe I had a concussion, but I will never know because I never got it checked out after that day. I finally went back inside to class, and the teacher asked me what happened. I told her I fell down and I needed a bandaid. She gave me one without question. I tried not to cry for the rest of the day.

The second time it happened to me, I was 11 years old in the 6th grade. I was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans with sneakers, and my hair was down.
So me, my girl friend (we'll call her Jasmine) and these two boys (we'll call them Nik and Andy) were sitting together at the same lunch table. So my and Jasmine were talking about something, I don't remember what, when all of a sudden I feel Nik's hands in between my legs. I squeal and my eyes get really wide. I go into shock, just sitting there, unaware yet hyperaware of everything that is going on. All I can feel is this guy's hands in between my legs. He was rough, his cold, pointy fingers and long nails just scratching me. Then he ducks down under the table and puts his face in between my legs and pretends to be doing something to me. I wanted to kick him, but my body had turned to stone. I. Couldn't. Move.
Thankfully, Jasmine reacted fast and slapped Nik away from me. Andy was just laughing in the background and calling me a s*ut and a w*ore. I finally stood up and ran out of the lunchroom and went to the bathroom and cried there for the rest of the day.

I remember feeling disgusting, like I was no longer pure or innocent. It's been three years since the incidences, and I still remember the feeling of sheer helplessness when they touched me. For the first two and a half years, I had no memory of the two days. Somebody would ask me, "hey what did you do on (insert the date when the assaults happened)?" and I would just go blank. For two and a half years, I hated myself. I could barely look at myself naked because all I could think of was those guys' hands on me. I still get shaky thinking about it. I still get nightmares, flashbacks, and periods of time when I feel dissociated from life. I now have PTSD, and my GAD (generalized-anxiety disorder) has gotten so much worse. I can't even be in the same room with a boy/man without overthinking all the possibilites of what could happen, or looking for the nearest exit in case I need to get away, or look for things that I could potentially use to defend myself in case someone were to sexually assault me again.

I have never told my story to anyone before, but I will no longer be silenced. Thank you for reading.