Lost and confused
this is so out of my comfort zone to be typing this but I have tried several times and keep deleting it as I dont feel my words are worthy of being read by anyone.......
Guess I should start with a little bit about myself, I am 41 years old and really hate the person I have become. I am a very shy, introvert person and as a result find it difficult to talk to anyone about how I am feeling which has got me to where I am today as several events have happened in my life which just got blocked inside and all of the pain has been directed inwards to myself. I am an emotional mess and know that I have to start letting it all out and that scares the life out of me
Please bear with me if this sounds a bit jumbled but believe me its even worse inside my head........
My parents separated when I was in my early teens and I would wait patiently every weekend for my dad to turn up to take us out for a visit with him but more times than I can remember we would watch for him for hours but he wouldnt turn up. This went on for several years until one day he did arrive, my brother refused to go with him that day but I jumped at the chance to spend time with him, that day I was introduced to his new girlfriend and his two young children. He wanted me to go back home and tell my mum that he was getting engaged to her but I told him I didnt want to and that if he wanted her to know then he could do it himself. That was the last day my dad ever spoke to me. I was 16
Throughout comprehensi school I was bullied due to being quiet and shy which was probably the starting point for me bottling things up, I found it difficult to confide in anyone about what was going on so turned it all on myself. I was abviously such a horrible person and this was the treatment I deserved, I became more withdrawn from things and spent most of my time alone that way nobody would have to put up with me.
Forward time to when I was 21, it was a Friday night and it was late, my brother arrived at my flat saying he had lost his keys for my mums house and could he crash for the night (he quite often stopped over so it wasnt anything out the ordinary) We chatted for a couple of hours and had a couple of beers, I had to go to bed as was going in to work for a few hours overtime on the Saturday morning. I spoke to my brother just before I left for work, he told me he had a few things to do that day and we made plans to meet at the pub that night for a game of pool and few beers. I arrived home at 1.47pm and when I went into my flat I noticed two strips of material over the top of the spare bedroom door, I tried to open it but it was really difficult. When I finally managed it thats when I found him.......my big brother had hung himself, he was 23 years old. I called for an ambulance but knew it was too late, i tried to call my mum but she had gone out shopping for the day with my sister so I had to sit in the flat with the police for about 6 hours until she got back home as she was his next of kin and they had to stay with me until she had been informed. We went to my mums house and she started to make calls to let everyone know what had happened, I was the last person to see him alive but I could give any answers about why he had done it. I must be so stupid that I missed something, he must have gave me a clue what he was going to do but I am such a freaking idiot and let him down!!!!!!!!!! They had to do a post Mortimer due to it being a sudden death and afterwards my mum made me go to the chapel of rest to see hi to try to get that last image of finding him out of my mind but it didnt work (I can still see him now after 20 years) I went back to work two days after it happened and all my thoughts and feelings just got pushed further down inside to join the rest of the pain and hurt. I dont thing even now I have truly cried for what I have lost.
Around the same time, I met a lovely lad who eventually went on to marry. We were together for 18 years and married for six when I started to have niggling doubts over what he was doing, he had become very secretive with his phone and was spending a LOT of time at the gym. Turns out my doubts were actually true and he had been having an affair for six months behind my back. I packed suitcase and left him..
Turn the clock forward to now, I moved away for work and left everyone I know behind, the town I have moved to is small and I find it difficult to make friends, have severe issues with trust and letting people in for fear of getting hurt. Its not to bad when I am at work, I can just about function there but its when I come home to an empty house that the thoughts return. I have kept this all inside for a very long time and now the feelings are rushing to the surface, thinking about all I have loved and lost and its a very scary place to be, the one denominator in all of these is me......I must be such a horrible person that I deserve all of this and need to be punished. I torture myself with feelings of guilt and that everything is my fault. I struggle to sleep properly, dont eat and in general hate myself.
Its now almost 5.30am and I am sitting here having chest pains thinking do I push the add thread button or do I just delete again......maybe its time to take that first step
I'm.glad you pushed the thread button , I'm glad you could write it out.. it's so painful , i cried when I read your post.. you deserve to be held and cherished no matter what. I don't really have any advice . Hang in there, write out and reach out.
@energeticPenny8 thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote
@crimsonLime6525
Isnt awful sometimes how we blame oyrselves for acts that were totally out of oyr control.
Your father not talking to you and leaving like that, totally not your fault. You were only being respectful of your mothers feelings. By leaving the way he did he was disrespectful of all your feelings.
Being bullied at school....no one should have to endure that. But it sounds like from there you had started to blame yourself. When really how they rreated you was never a reflection on you and who you were, there actions only described them as people and who they were and there insecurities and flaws.
You have my deepest condolences in relation to your brother. That probably sounds hollow now given how long it was ago bit I can tell that pain and loss is still very raw with you as it was such a traumatic thing to go through. But not your fault.....so many like you struggle with guilt after aftermath of a relative parting ways like that. With questions like, could I have done something, why didnt I see it? When really if it was someone else in that situation you would probably being bending over backwards to convince them there was nothing they could do. Why is it ,that it often seems easier to try and console others than ourselves!?!
Im in awe of your strength in relation to leaving your ex husband when you found out he wasnt treating you right. That couldnt have been easy leaving like that but you did and then you moved even further afield for work.
That sounds very isolating and I can only imagine how much that might be compounding those feelings within you, not having many people around you who know you and who you could maybe talk to when feeling down.
Im not at all suprised that all of this has made it hard for you trust or open up to others and thats why blown away with your bravery here sharing your story.
Your words are definitely worthy of reading, and I hope in some way you found sharing them even a little bit of a realease or helpful because I know I found reading them helpful as they were inspiratiinal, your bravey and strength never giving up or putting up with being treated badly by your husband.
I do hope you dont mind being so candid and that this reply finds you well. 🌹
@indigoBeing9907 thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote and for such a heartfelt response. I have had really bad anxiety all day and several times thought about removing my post as I feel I don
@crimsonLime6525
Your story matters, you matter ❤
Im so proud of you fir sharing something that I can hear was so difficult for you ❤
@crimsonLime6525
You are awesome and I applaud your bravery!
Big hug if you want it <3
@MaschaV thank you and I will gladly accept the hug, could do with them about now 😭😭😭
@crimsonLime6525
*safe hugs*
Ll@crimsonLime6525