Lost and confused

this is so out of my comfort zone to be typing this but I have tried several times and keep deleting it as I dont feel my words are worthy of being read by anyone.......

Guess I should start with a little bit about myself, I am 41 years old and really hate the person I have become. I am a very shy, introvert person and as a result find it difficult to talk to anyone about how I am feeling which has got me to where I am today as several events have happened in my life which just got blocked inside and all of the pain has been directed inwards to myself. I am an emotional mess and know that I have to start letting it all out and that scares the life out of me

Please bear with me if this sounds a bit jumbled but believe me its even worse inside my head........

My parents separated when I was in my early teens and I would wait patiently every weekend for my dad to turn up to take us out for a visit with him but more times than I can remember we would watch for him for hours but he wouldnt turn up. This went on for several years until one day he did arrive, my brother refused to go with him that day but I jumped at the chance to spend time with him, that day I was introduced to his new girlfriend and his two young children. He wanted me to go back home and tell my mum that he was getting engaged to her but I told him I didnt want to and that if he wanted her to know then he could do it himself. That was the last day my dad ever spoke to me. I was 16

Throughout comprehensi school I was bullied due to being quiet and shy which was probably the starting point for me bottling things up, I found it difficult to confide in anyone about what was going on so turned it all on myself. I was abviously such a horrible person and this was the treatment I deserved, I became more withdrawn from things and spent most of my time alone that way nobody would have to put up with me.

Forward time to when I was 21, it was a Friday night and it was late, my brother arrived at my flat saying he had lost his keys for my mums house and could he crash for the night (he quite often stopped over so it wasnt anything out the ordinary) We chatted for a couple of hours and had a couple of beers, I had to go to bed as was going in to work for a few hours overtime on the Saturday morning. I spoke to my brother just before I left for work, he told me he had a few things to do that day and we made plans to meet at the pub that night for a game of pool and few beers. I arrived home at 1.47pm and when I went into my flat I noticed two strips of material over the top of the spare bedroom door, I tried to open it but it was really difficult. When I finally managed it thats when I found him.......my big brother had hung himself, he was 23 years old. I called for an ambulance but knew it was too late, i tried to call my mum but she had gone out shopping for the day with my sister so I had to sit in the flat with the police for about 6 hours until she got back home as she was his next of kin and they had to stay with me until she had been informed. We went to my mums house and she started to make calls to let everyone know what had happened, I was the last person to see him alive but I could give any answers about why he had done it. I must be so stupid that I missed something, he must have gave me a clue what he was going to do but I am such a freaking idiot and let him down!!!!!!!!!! They had to do a post Mortimer due to it being a sudden death and afterwards my mum made me go to the chapel of rest to see hi to try to get that last image of finding him out of my mind but it didnt work (I can still see him now after 20 years) I went back to work two days after it happened and all my thoughts and feelings just got pushed further down inside to join the rest of the pain and hurt. I dont thing even now I have truly cried for what I have lost.

Around the same time, I met a lovely lad who eventually went on to marry. We were together for 18 years and married for six when I started to have niggling doubts over what he was doing, he had become very secretive with his phone and was spending a LOT of time at the gym. Turns out my doubts were actually true and he had been having an affair for six months behind my back. I packed suitcase and left him..

Turn the clock forward to now, I moved away for work and left everyone I know behind, the town I have moved to is small and I find it difficult to make friends, have severe issues with trust and letting people in for fear of getting hurt. Its not to bad when I am at work, I can just about function there but its when I come home to an empty house that the thoughts return. I have kept this all inside for a very long time and now the feelings are rushing to the surface, thinking about all I have loved and lost and its a very scary place to be, the one denominator in all of these is me......I must be such a horrible person that I deserve all of this and need to be punished. I torture myself with feelings of guilt and that everything is my fault. I struggle to sleep properly, dont eat and in general hate myself.

Its now almost 5.30am and I am sitting here having chest pains thinking do I push the add thread button or do I just delete again......maybe its time to take that first step