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Journal. (TW)

olive4918 October 24th, 2021
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I know I am not dirty. I know I don’t have to shower every day to get it off. I know he’s never gonna touch me again. I know my boyfriend wont ever do anything bad to me. I know I can ask to stop and he will stop. I know he loves me. I know everything is okay. But why am I so scared of sex? I just don’t get it. It’s been a long time since anything bad happened to me and I am comfy with my boyfriend. However, there are just days where I want to have sex and then halfway through I don’t want to do it anymore. I try to tell my boyfriend but I can’t, or I do, and then I cry and I feel embarrassed. I just want to be normal and not have these issues with sex. I just am so scared and sometimes I will start thinking about what happened to me and I just can’t proceed with a sexual action. I don’t know but I will get better. I need to get better.

1
QuietMagic November 9th, 2021
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@olive4918

Hi--I'm sorry you had that kind of past experience where you had to feel all of those things. 😟

Have you talked to your current boyfriend about the fact that you have that kind of personal history? If I were him and I knew what you'd been through, I'd want nothing more for you to feel comfortable and safe. Sex isn't something that anybody should feel forced to do. If it doesn't feel right, then maybe there are other ways of doing it that feel better, other ways of expressing intimacy that feel like they give you more control. Or maybe just some days don't feel right for doing it.

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