I need to heal

When I was a child my parents argued a lot, it became a rutine, they came from two very different backgrounds, both tramatic, two broken people who decided to stay together because they had a kid. me.

My mother always reasured I was loved & wanted, but as a kid I felt like i was the reason my parents couldn't get along.

My mind was always going, trying to figure out things, trying to fix things, trying to rationalize things in my own head to make a better outcome.

I learned to keep secrets when i knew the truth would make someone angry or sad, I learned that bad things happen when my parents got mad and if anyone did anything to me that anger would not result well for anyone.

I learned to keep things inside, to not say anything that would cause my parents to be any more angry than they already were.

My mom's heart was weak, so many times in the hospital from being too upset, she had almost died when i was 4, and 12 and a few other times. I could see it, see how she was on the edge.

My grandmother hurt me once and Ma lost it, i told her i thought about taking my life, she lost it. so i couldn't tell her what happened. So i buried it, never said it, tried to forget. 25 years ago it happened and it still affects me. I think more because no one ever knew. He was caught, his wife finally spoke up. his own niece, his own daughter, and others. He was my dad's mentor from work and church, mom never trusted him even before they found out. I never told them, still can't.