I lost my closest friend a month ago
(Tw: suicide)
I last month I stayed up till almost midnight trying to convince my closest friend not to kill himself. It didn't work.
It wasn't the first time he'd talked about being suicidal, I had talked him out of suicide the Sunday before, I remember right before he finally went to sleep at three in the morning, he told me, "I'm not sure if you are comprehending this, but I think you might have saved my life." But I guess I couldn't do that this time. I miss him terribly, and on top of the normal reactions to losing someone I'm also getting flashbacks to that night. He was always the person I turned to whenever I needed to talk to someone, we were always there for each other. And though I have friends who are there for me and they are wonderful, I just wish I could have another late night conversation with him, or that I could give him a hug, or hear his laugh.
I could write pages upon pages about him, but I doubt anyone has time to read that so I kept this as short as I could.
@SparklyRen
My opinion is only mine and it might not be a popular one.
I am so sorry for your loss. I as well recently lost a long time friend to suicide. I am so numb and there is no significant reason why I don't feel the need to shed a tear. My friend has also discussed and attempted suicide many times prior and I've been around for the most crisis. I know she was hurting and when I heard she finally died, I felt sense of relieve and thought of her smile from heaven with her mom and grandma.
It's not your fault and the one more night of conversation might have not made any difference. Sometimes it's easier to just honor their wish and respect their choice to die. It's incredibly disconcerning and heartless of me to some but it is what it is. I've been on the other side of this situation and I had not one person in my life who accepted my feelings just the way they were. Everyone wanted to tell me other wise and told me my feelings were invalid.
again, I am so sorry that you're missing him. I am sure your friend wants you to be happy. It takes time so take all the time you need. Good luck and keep us posted. *safe hugs
@Jackie
I understand why some would disagree with you, but I honestly found reading your response to be helpful.
I know it's not my fault, and I know there was nothing more I could do. When I said that I wished I could talk to him another night I didn't mean to change his mind, there's no way I could do that, I meant that I miss him terribly and wish I could have another conversation filled with his rhetorical questions about the universe, the memes he sent me, and all the cat pictures. Our conversations always had a certain rhythm to them, I'd love to have that back just one more time. He thought I'd blame myself, I wish I had he chance to tell him that I don't, because he told me not to. Knowing that he's not suffering anymore does give me some comfort, though I have a difficult time imagining him in heaven because I don't know what my beliefs are around death.
I'll definitely remember some of the things you brought up, so thank you.
