I just want to move on

I don't really know what I'm doing here, I feel like I have to do this so that I can stop gaslighting myself. I feel like that is what I have done my whole life. I have told myself it wasn't so bad, others have been through worse, you're making to much out of it. I have even blamed myself because I didn't make it stop. I want desperately to be a good friend, to have close friends. I push everyone away, when they start to get close. I want to talk about it but not with people who know me. The nightmares are back. I haven't slept all week. I work as many hours as possible so that I will be so tired that they may not come, but that isn't working this time. I am exhausted and now I don't even know where to start.

My mother got pregnant with me at 14. She lived in an abusive home. I often wonder if I am the product of that abuse but I am in no position to ask. She often left me with her friends when I was little. I don't have any memories from before the abuse started at 2 years old. My first abuser was a 17 year old friend of hers. I think the thing that bothers me the most about it is that I remember liking him. Most of his games were fun, he would take me to the park to play. He used to bring me new toys, clothes and sweets. I remember that he used to let me ramble on and on about nothing and he never got angry like my mom or other babysitters. I had one babysitter who used to lock me in the closet for hours and when I told my mom she got mad at me because nobody wanted to watch me and she had to work. When I told him about it he told my mom not to send me there anymore, and I didn't stay with them anymore. He looked out for me, except some of his games were not fun at all. I didn't tell anyone but him that I didn't like those games. I was only 2 so those memories are jumbled up and they mostly come to me when I'm sleeping. I try not to sleep unless I am truly exhausted because more and more often I lay awake anxious.

We were homeless, I didn't know what that meant at the time. I used to like staying at the shelter because there were other kids there. I always gravitated to the older kids. Many of them knew the same games he had taught me, because they had been taught by adults.( It was normal, it was life. It wasn't so bad.)

But it was!!! It was bad and I am broken and I am tired and I can't do this anymore! I can't FEEL this anymore! I just want to move on.

By the time I was 4 my mother was doing drugs everyday. We got kicked out of the shelter because mom brought in stuff she wasn't supposed to. It was my fault because I didn't put it far enough down in my bag. The door man never dug all the way to the bottom of my bag the way he did my mom's, so she used to have me " hide the magic dust." I usually put it all the way on the bottom but this time I was exited to go to play group and I just shoved it in but not far enough. The door man found it and I knew I was in big trouble. My uncle had to pick me up at the police station. I didn't see my mom for awhile after that. I really messed up, I didn't know where my mom was. I remember crying all the time. My aunt hated me and she was mean to me. She used to hit me with a hair brush when I would cry for my mom. She used to hold her hand over my mouth and nose and I couldn't breathe, and if I would get drool or snot on her hand she would hit me with the brush on the side of my head. I see it clearly like it was just yesterday even though it was so long ago. I re live it all the time when I try to sleep.

I remember the afternoon we were going to pick my mom up my aunt wanted to make me pretty. I was happy, we were going to get my mom and I was going to be so beautiful that she would forget to be mad at me. My aunt turned the shower on and it was scalding hot. I cried out and she turned the cold nob all the way off. " See! NOW it's. Hot! Stop your crying and I'll turn it back on. " ... (Ugh I don't think this is going to help.)

Ok, so I was wrong. It really did help to say all that out loud. I felt lighter and less anxious when I laid down to sleep last night. I was able to better process the events in my head and it helped me relax. Today is the first day this week I have not suffered a panic attack. I realized that I had been blaming myself for things that I felt I did wrong. Writing it down put it into prospective.. fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter what I did to cope, it doesn't matter that I didn't handle things the way I wish I had. I was a baby, not equipped to deal with what happened to me. I had no control of the adults in my life and everything I did was all I could have at the time.

I know you were awake, I was laying awake listening to you for awhile. Why did you shut off all the lights and pretend to sleep when you heard me go into the bathroom? I made my coffee and put down my pen and the aspirin. I took my coffee outside and went to pack my bowl ( I know I left the lights on and my stuff on the counter. When I came back in all the lights were off. I could smell you. Did you know you have a smell? It reminds me of sour fruit. Anyway, I turned the lights back on and went to get my aspirin and my pen. They were gone.

Would like to get connect with you.

This has not been a good week for me. It has been long, but I got through it. I haven't been feeling great. I haven't been sleeping, I can't remember what, or when, I ate last. I am tired but my mind races when I try to sleep. I found some meditation videos on YouTube that help a bit to get to sleep but I need to stay asleep. I wake covered in sweat, in a panic. I feel like I can't catch a breath. I panic more. I am awake and won't be getting back to sleep anytime soon.