I don’t feel valid
TW: s/a
Finally, nearly 5 years later, I’m recovering. I can go about my day without thinking about it. Instead of seeing his face in everyone, I just see people. I’m finally beginning to move on.
However I still deal with guilt and I don’t feel valid. That it “wasn’t that bad because you weren’t r*ped,” or “he was just a kid he didn’t understand what he was doing was wrong.” Nobody ever told me those things, they’re what I keep repeating in my head.
I know that just because my trauma wasn’t “as bad” as someone else’s doesn’t make it less valid, but I still feel like I’m not. I read other peoples horror stories and feel guilty that I ever complained about my life. Some friends I’ve made on here, if I was them I’d be dead many times over.
I’m still disgusted, an 11 year old boy doing such gross things to an 11 year old girl? He was old enough to know better. After all I knew immediately it wasn’t right. I still let it happen for several weeks because I was scared. I’m still scared to tell anyone except my mom, not even my friends know. I’ve come so far but there’s still so far to go.
On another note, now I think I’m asexual, but I don’t know if I truly am or if I’m just damaged and afraid of intimacy. How can I be so scared of touch and so starved at the same time? Would I have been this way without my trauma, or not?
Hi @OmegaWolf80. I'm so sorry that you've had to face these struggles. I think it's important to remember that no matter what, your struggles ARE valid. There's always more suffering that we could potentially face as people or that others have faced. But that notion doesn't take away any legitimacy from the pain that we have already experienced in our lives. What he did to u was disgusting. We can both acknowledge our pain as being valid, and feel blessed/grateful about the positive aspects in our lives and pain we are fortunate to not have experienced. There's no shame in recognizing your pain as being valid. If anything, it's healthy. Your pain IS valid and it definitely seems like you've faced some real demons. You're so strong for still being here and reaching out for help. You also seem to be very loving and empathetic for caring about the pain that others have experienced as well. That's an incredible quality that you have, to remain a good person despite the pain and suffering you've experienced. You've allowed your pain to inform you as a person instead of define you by doing this. Just keep persevering and having hope that things can and will get better. It's important to not be afraid to have hope, as having hope is an inherently necessary part of giving your best effort in making things better. You deserve love, peace, and to be treated like a princess if u decide to be in a romantic relationship in the future.
In regards to figuring out whether or not you're asexual, I suggest that u maybe try and reach out to a therapist or trusted counselor to help you figure out that aspect of yourself. Professionals can truly help to uncover the truth behind our emotions and why we feel the way we feel. They can help you in determining the truth behind your asexuality or if it's repressed trauma.
Hope this helped in some way. Stay strong, and keep going. You can get through this.
