Idk why I want to say that
I got to learn I have trauma and that I expect people to heal my trauma.
Well I wasnt sure if i had trauma bc i dont like say things that maybe are not true and I dont really expect people to heal my trauma cause thats not gonna happen.
But Im really afraid of losing people so when things like being in trouble or being blocked are happening, is making me feel rejected and l get angry and sad with myself but I usually tend to put that out to people. Its getting worse most of the times bc Im losing control of myself.
I dont know if that has to do with my trauma and I get really confused at times when Im trying to realize what has been going on and from where it comes from.
I feel bad and sorry for my behavior but I know that people cannot forgive me and that hurts me. I then feel the need to do something to fix that so I apologize again and again, but people still dont want to talk to me dont want to see me so thats even more painful.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do but all I do is eating all these and putting them inside and dont let them go outside. Until I feel so full that I explode.
@sensitiveShade5337 hey Shade, its sounds from your post as if theres lots of mixed up feelings for you regarding your traumatic experiences. I just wanted to say thanks for the post. Healing from trauma is tough and it can be difficult for many people to acknowledge they went through traumatic experiences, especially if they have blocked them out or suppressed them. Very often people may find themselves reacting or behaving in ways which make no sense to them at the time, including behaving in ways where they push people away or dont trust anyone, or lash out etc but its only over time and often with some support that they make links that perhaps these reactions are because of the experiences they have gone through. Does this sound familiar at all to you?
Some people are supportive of those who have gone through trauma but there are people who for whatever their reasons cant handle it, do walk away or react badly and so on. The important thing is you do deserve support and to not have to experience rejection and hurt all over again. The hard part of all this, is we are the only ones who can heal ourselves, no one can do it for us. We can have people support us along the way and be there in the tough times as well as the good, but we have the key to changing things ourselves.
Everyone whether they have gone through trauma or not, does or says things sometimes they regret and survivors of trauma are really good at beating themselves up or feeling bad, which is sounds as though you may do? You could choose to beat yourself up but havent you been hurt enough? Perhaps its more about accepting that okay thats happened, what can I do differently next time, what I have learnt from this?
Glad you felt able to reach out and we are here for you if you need 
@dancingRainbow45
I wasnt expecting an answer and I was feeling like i did wrong for posting this.
You actually understood the whole thing thats happening, Yes all that do sound familiar and its totally me, like i see myself there. I know I'm a horrible person and bad and mean but I'm trying to change. Its probably my fault for not explaining my situation to people but I dont trust anyone like Im not gonna say my whole story to whoever I meet.
Theres so much pain, people dont really understand that.. and I know that evrything that has happened its my fault and I wish none of this had happened. But things cant go back and Im stuck without any improvemet on moving on.
@sensitiveShade5337 Hey Shade shall I let you into a secret!!! Your not bad, your not horrible, your not at fault, or any of the things you feel about yourself. You have suffered trauma and been affected by it. You didnt ask to go through the experiences you did, and you didnt ask for the ways in which its affected you to happen. You not only have to deal with what you went through but now too the way in which you have been made to feel about yourself, and the way in which it affects you. Traumatic experiences happen and some of those are through the actions of others who are totally to blame for causing suffering to others. Try to be a little kinder to yourself. Your working on you and thats whats important. We can all do things we dont like, and say things we dont like or mean and hurt those who we are care. i know I have sometimes in the past. It happens in life sometimes through our own pain and hurts that we push others away or lash out in some way. You are strong to be here today and to have shared all that you did and I am pleased that my few words, felt as though someone could appreciate how it feels for you.
@dancingRainbow45
can i pm you? cause Im sure people will look into this post now and I dont want them to know details
@sensitiveShade5337 Shade you have no worries with your post. You havent said anything wrong at all and everyone is here to support one another. If you have concerns then of course you welcome to PM me but I am about to start a support session so I cant speak right now. I will get back to you when I can.
@dancingRainbow45
um I wont pm then, its fine I dont want to bother you
@sensitiveShade5337 Its no bother but when I do one to ones or support sessions I put my total focus on that person so I dont answer other chats etc so just wanted to be honest that right now I cant respond but I will as soon as I can, so please feel free if you want to :)