I Do Not Know How To Handle My Anger

I guess it stems from feeling insecure a lot of the time. I am insecure about some of my past decisions. I am insecure about my prospects. I am insecure about friends. I worry about things such as what people are thinking of me. Am I unlikeable? Am I saying the wrong things or talking too much? Being estranged from your adoptive family likely does that I suppose. Before that however I used to get angry. But back then my anger was a response to being hurt. And I mean physically hurt. Not all adoptions are a dream come true: my family turned into draconian homophobes wanting to kill me when I came out. So truthfully I used my anger to protect myself because I was scared.

But now that I am living with my wife it has no place. I do not need it. It is not part of my survival anymore. But try as I might and no matter how aware I am of the symptoms leading up to me losing the plot it just happens. One minute I am OK. The next I am out of control of myself. It is like a fuse has been turned off and I am just raging. To me it feels like being stuck in my own body whilst I rage and only after I have said or done something stupid do I actually get a grip enough. But by then I have upset someone. Usually it is my wife. And I hate upsetting her or what I feel to be abusing her. I do not know what to do. I do not tend to touch her but I say stupid things. That have no relevance or reason to the person I am viscerally engaging with.

I love her. I really do. I walked away from my family to be with her. I married her. And I know I still love her. But my anger is making me scared. I get angry if she makes plans and forgets to tell me they have changed. I get angry if I feel I am not being included. And sometimes I just get angry. Period. And I loathe myself for it. I can be the happiest and most loving person most of the time until I wake up on the wrong side of bed and get tetchy. Today I argued with her and out of nowhere I start seeing red. So I throw my cup of water at her. Just the water not the cup. And then as soon as she is stood there drenched from head to toe looking like she could cry a switch turns back on. And I am like what the hell did I just do. So I leave for work not really knowing what to do because my wife is so angry she is shaking and I just feel like the whole world has ended.

When I get home she is ill. And I think it is because we argued. And now I am starting to wonder what I should do. I do not know how to handle my anger apart from walking away from everything. I actually contemplated driving onto the hard shoulder and jumping off the Severn Bridge today. Before that when I was in work I wanted to die. I do not want to hurt anybody. I never asked to be like this. But I do not know what else to do.