Her Last Words

I've been secretive for so long, storing things in that now I feel like my head will explode. My eyes are burning and I feel trapped. So today I'm going to share my story.

I was born into a broken, dysfunctional family. My earliest memories consist of nightmares of being left alone. My parents got divorced when I was 4/5 I think. For the first 10 years I lived with my mother and elder sister in the slums. My father was rich at that time but he still didn't send us enough money because he wanted to take our custody. My mother was never home because she had to work all day long. My sister couldn't tolerate me. She had severe anger issues.

So I spent most of my time alone, wandering around the mountain right beside the slums. I remember the blissful feeling of laying down on the grass and talking to the trees. My family was abusive but it wasn't that much back then. Life was tolerable.

Fast forward to when I turned 11. My mother was forced to give us up because she didn't have enough money to support our education. We moved to another city to live with our father. Who was immensely overjoyed to snatch us away from her.

Hah, little did I know that my life would only go downhill from that point onwards. The following years that followed consisted of constant trauma, abuse and my family running out of money. I discovered that my father married thrice and had many other siblings whom I had to live with. I didn't get to meet my mother for the next 5 years. I felt like an orphan. I was treated like a servant in the house. The only one that stood up for me was my elder sister, but she tormented me in other ways. Everyone was abusive. I did everything within my ability to avoid conflicts (which was completely useless looking back, because there were fights almost everyday.) I took care of my younger step siblings. I fed them, clothed them, played, made them study, cradled them till they fell asleep. I did everything that was asked of me in the morning without questioning and at night I stayed up to study. I firmly believed that one days things will get better.

It did not. I tried to escape, got pulled back again.

I attempted suicide, but got my lungs washed because I couldn't cause so much suffering to my mother.

But what do I do? My grades went down. Most days I don't have the energy to get up from bed. Everyone blames me for the littlest faults. I took on jobs to get paid. Everyday I try my best, but I still feel like a joke.

I can't live like this anymore. We're barely getting by, therapy is out of question. I'm highly sensitive, even after all these years, when someone says something like "you're a burden" I feel like they punched a hole in my chest.