Gettig Up
Hello :) This is the introduction chapter of my journal so I should introduce myself.
My name is Up and I try to heal my inner child for years. What are key points for me?
- My mom went for work abroads when I was 18 months. Stayed with her abusive mother until i was 3.
- We lived with abusive father for 20 years. He was very controlling and agressive since my brother was born.
- My father told me that I could have withstand basically a rape so he could have lower price for the hunting license. I was about 15 that time. He stayed befriended with that rapist.
- I was a parent for my little brother since I was 15. The protector, nurse, big sister and caregiver all at once. And also a therapist for my mom
Not to mention that I was always bullied at school and in the dance class. Now I think these aren't that important, I knew how to deal with it. I didn't know how to deal with denial and abuse from my family.
I think I started to struggle at 13. Now I'm 20, diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety disorder and paranoia. My biggest issue? I can't decide if it's depression or my fear of being killed by mercenary.
But I am not only my diagnoses 😊 I am an animal mom. It started with a snake, then proceeded with four leopard geckos a hamster and the latest addition to our family is a puppy. All of them are rescues.
@GettingUp
I'm so sorry to hear about everything you went through. You are so much more than your diagnoses..they are part of you but don't define you!
Well. Things are not going great.
On the positive note, my sleep improved. My dog is using himself as a weight blanket. That means that my sleep is more efficient. I like that!
On the other side, I had flashbacks again. Just because my friend sent me a picture which my mind thought I can't get away from. No big deal... Just my mind being crazy. Again.
Today, I am SO anxious. I can't get rid of it. Blah.
Well a retraumatisation happened... And I am PROUD. There were some problematic customers, threatened me in the end. I called the police.
I relived my trauma that night. Threatening, police taking no actions and then, in the morning, I had another argue with one of the customers. I acted calm and defended myself, did my job perfectly. I CAN DO THIS, I can trust myself.
Today is a great day. I woke up tired as usual, but it's sexual assault awareness month.
What connects me to this month is my experience. My controlling abusive father is a great hunter. We used to go for hunting vacations the whole family. Until the last one where it all started.
We lived in a shared hut with 3 other men and their children. Every day was the same - men went hunting and my, my mom and all the children stayed there and we had to endertain them. So, one evening everyone was drinking (no, they certainly should not do that!) and my father convinced me to go hunting with one guy. He was the same age as my father. Gross! So we went. It all went smoothly until he started to touch me and undress me in the middle of nowhere. Thankfully, I was strong enough to argue with him and he drove me back to the hut. When my father arrived, he told me that I could bear that, his hunting licence would be cheaper. Nonsense! He got drunk with the guy the next day and was chasing us with his gun. At that time I thought it is fun, I was around 13-14 I believe.
The another incident... My father was always mad if I stayed awake for too long. So the adults were drinking (not much, just talking and having a shot here and there), sitting at the porch, the conversations were endless. I heard my fathers car engine (yes, I can still recognise cars by the sound of their engine) so I went in quickly to avoid an argue. My father found his wife sitting at the porch with two other men and since then, he was 100% sure she was cheating on him their whole 15 years marriage. It went so far that he thought she slept with a homeless - don't want to deminish homeless people. It's just riddiculus in the context. When he tried to get me on his side, he told me - I remember it vividly - "Come, we will go and see the homeless. I am sure he will tell you everything you want when you buy him a beer." And he was 200% convinced that the homeless man will tell him the truth.
That's the reason I can't be angry at my father most of the time. He has paranoia at least and his reality is somewhat curved.
I just realised!
I've seen my father on the court last time. And there was a moment where I knew the answer, but didn't say it. And played it like: Oh yeah, well, I don't remember, sorry. It wasn't an acute stress, it wasn't him sitting in the room. It was just PTSD and the fact that I learnt it's safe to just say nothing. It was always like that. You can feel what you want but you have to behave this or that in order to stay safe.
