Pappy's Dirty Games:
Sometimes someone hurts you so badly
It stops the hurting, pain, sadness and all
Until something makes you feel once again
Then it all comes back like a bouncing ball
Every word, every hurt, every moment
You are the lion and I am your prey
I replay it in the greatest detail
As it just happened yesterday
How your footsteps echo in the hall
The smell of alcohol on your breath
The loud squeaking of my bedroom door
How I feel I am so close to death
How my thoughts race like flashing silver bullets
Adrenaline pumps like a spreading cancer
I silently pray that he goes go away
But sadly my prayers are never answered
I know what's to come and it's worse than death
Pappy, please don't, I'll do whatever you say
You sharply whisper to shut the hell up
One more whimper or Ouma will pay
Then he is climbing on top of my bed
A dirty hand slips beneath the cover
He causes some pain, it's part of his game
But I swear I will never recover
He pushes his body on me
And you can guess the rest
He becomes my worst nightmare
My heart beats out of my chest
The time you take passes so slowly
Was this your sick idea of fun
I lay there awake for countless hours
Thinking about the damage he's done
In the morning I sit to eat my banana
Pretend it's not him at the head of the table
How can you sit there so innocently and smile
You have left me so emotionally unstable
There is a little boy sitting next to me, his name is Luca
He is my world and my life and my only reason to live
But he is the result of sir pappy's disgusting games
How was the twelve-year-old to raise him and keep him alive
And you have told me to be silent, I have to promise I will
You have a way to make me feel so tiny, so very small
You tell me it was my fault, I deserve every minute
But I never wanted to be my pappy's little doll
And as I grow older I start to question things
Why do I bow to him like a saintly king
Was it my fault for his deadly games
Why am I so naive and so fucking disgusting
These memories haunt my brain
I feel I'm the one to blame
I am just a waste of space
I will never be the same
You were supposed to be a trusted adult
Instead, you tare me to the ground
Walk all over me and leave me but
I won't forget how you push me around
I won't forget the late-night punishments
I won't forget the bruises or the broken bones
Or the hours of shaming and screaming
Or the cold long nights without a home
The people that we should love
The ones who taught us to fly
Are the ones who broke our wings
And left us questioning why
I always see you in the shadows
I always feel your grip on my wrists
I always dream of running from you
I always feel as though I shouldn't exist
You have left your filthy presences on me
I will carry the baggage and all the shame
And I will never forget having to play
My pappy's dirty little games
All things that we hold onto in our hands
each to their separate ways must quickly go;
they drift down from our fingertips like sand
and rest and wither in the falling snow.
How strange it is to watch a dream unveil
and shine and glow then gently fade from sight
leaving us wanting something that won’t fail
and something that defeats the creeping night.
The dreams I hold, I’ve held too tight too long,
I don’t know how to live without them here.
The world outside is cruel and cold and bare
Without my dreams, my soul would disappear.
So all my dreams stay tucked inside my head
and play for me when I lie in my bed.
How could you ever understand
where I came from
Even if you ask
Even if you listen
You don’t really hear, see or feel
You don’t remember my story
You haven’t walked my path
You haven’t seen what I’ve seen
My past defines me
This is who I am
I am unseen unheard, unwanted
That is if I’m anything at all
It seems like the same things that held me down
Forced me down
In a world turned upside down
and order disappeared
Nothing was how it's supposed to be
And a heavy sadness filled my soul
Deeper and deeper I fell within myself
And nothing could show me out
Trapped in the misery of my life
Lost in the sorrow of my soul
Unable to see the light
Unable to see at dawn
To feel To hope To dream
I found the darkest days of my life kept coming
The blackest night for me never stopped
It seemed it was always nighttime and nightmares
And never morning
And maybe you wonder why
but mostly you don’t think about it
And you try and get by and you try to survive
And all other stuff seems so much alive
Nothing compared to important things like
hearing ur mom sing a favorite song
or the simplicity of Luca's laugh
I know I’m helpless dependant and desperate
But what happens when those you need the most
threaten your very existence
I’ve heard plenty of promises
And they all sound the same
But push hard enough sooner or later
They all prove to be empty
The sun comes up every morning
But do you know where
Each place it’s somewhere different
It's hard to find east when you
Keep moving around
But at least it comes
I’ve become dependant on that
And slowly the seasons change around me
And it seems this time the world
Won’t be pulled out from under me again
Root starting to grow
Little buds of hope for me
Slowly attempting to trust this new life
But there will always be someone there
to pull the rug out from me once again
I wish someone would tell me it would be okay
That one day maybe
I’ll feel normal
That I won’t always be alone
That I’ll have someone who will hug me
And be strong for me
Because maybe I can’t do it all by myself
This is my past, my history, my story
But it doesn’t define my future.
Blood Stained Thorns
Velvet vines creep and sprawl
Dried emotions bitter with time
Pricking thorns with crimson blood
Strike and stab breaking thoughts
Your jarring touch that’s how it felt
With every graze upon bruised fulled skin
What words mark that terrifying moment
When the world shatters in millions of shards
Burning pain felt through clenched shut eyes
The unheard screams that as a child I cried
I have tried to fill the hole you’ve carved
Which now overflows with guilt and blame
The places that you touched robbed me
What you did to my body scared me
Thorned vines strangle flesh and bones
Wrapping every inch of my naked skin
Made me dirty from the times I was pined
But thorns can never reach my heart within
Bowing to a king
An innocent little girl I was just seven
Dancing pretending that I was a princess
But him insisting that I was much more
That he was king and I shall bow and submit
When I lost both of my only parents
My father to suicide my mother to drugs
You were a knight in shining armor
Running to my rescue while I fell
I was told I could trust you, for a while I did
I was starved for attention but you gave me it
You asked how I was, you told me I was pretty
Your sexual jokes went right over my head
You lit a match burning childlike trust
disappointing glazes shattering self
You took my silence as acceptance
And my shrinking body as permission
Belts bounded off blue bruised skin
Your body pinning, holding, forcing
The weight of a thick grown man
pounding down on my skinny limbs
Dehumanizing words echoed in halls
Shaky no’s were silenced with blaming words
Bloodstained towels were soaked in bleach
This went on for years while I was a little kid
That child who thought she was a princess
has built the highest walls around her prison
The years of confusion have left me numb
But knowing that I'm not deserving of love
He left me with self-hate that plunges deep
He stitched words of worthlessness on my skin,
I take a ***** ***** , ******* my *****
until they are as *** as a half priced ham
Words that I am nothing race through my head
He made anger my bodyguard, fear my best friend,
Despite the terror of simply just living
I will not let the king win today
Be back soon <3 starss
@ferventflame
@amusingcoconut
@fallenstarss
❤️
Motherhood
Motherhood is wanting the freedom I had before
but knowing I could not live without him
Its crushing sleep deprivation and fatigue
but missing him when he goes to bed
its constant overstimulation but loving
his tender snuggles and sloppy kisses
Its needing a break but not wanting to miss out
Its intense feelings stress and guilt
but also feeling incredible joy, immense pride, and unconditional love
Motherhood is nothing that I thought it would be
but it is everything I have dreamed about
All of those that I've cared about
Are dead or have gone away
Some are locked in prison or rehab
Others buried beneath a grave
And maybe im just like them too
I don’t want to be rescued or saved
I’ve lost who I am and it’s just too late
watching them leave is breaking me
The burden upon my body
At times its too much to bear.
Unable to make sense of it all.
No map to show the way.
Lost, somewhere, in a haze
Of broken plans, broken dreams
searching back out of the warren,
Back to the light of day.
So, I wander here in the twilight;
among the skeletons of the night
