Diary Entries (Possible TW)
Entry #001
Happy birthday to me. I'm 21 now and there are so many things i wish i could change. I haven't always been a very happy person but i think I'm at a point where it's gotten worse. Sometimes, i lay in bed and i feel so tired and bored that the only thing on my head is dying as if i were thinking of something temporary to pass away the time.
Today, I had friends over and it was fun. I didn't want them to leave and that's when i knew there was something wrong. It was like i feared the fact that they were going to leave. I didn't want to be alone. When i escorted my best friend out, i held her hand so tight while we walked because i wanted to soak up as much of the company as i could.
Now that they're gone, I'm alone again. I'm lying in my room and i feel like crying. I feel like I'm 21 and it's still the same as when i was 11 or 12. I'm still the sad girl who has friends she loves, who love her back and yet she still feels lonely.
The person i wanted the most to wish me a happy birthday today didnt and that's probably my fault. I cant say he's wrong for wanting to be away from me after i hurt him but he hurt me too and i hate how it was so easy for me to let go off the things he did and not get the same grace in return, when it's all I've asked for time and time again- just the grace to fix things and make them better.
Anyway, I'm new to this app and this is my first entry. I did this because i think i feel safer talking to people who don't know me in reality and also because i want to focus more on myself, the things i feel and maybe how i can get better, if that's possible.
My next entry is probably going to be my story. I feel like its a good place to start.
@tinytermite
glad you had fun with friends. sorry you feel lonely. I hope things get better.
Entry #002
I just had this really weird nightmare so its 2:46am and I'm up.
Why can't i fall in love "normally"...?
Thinking back to the people i can say, I've "been in love with", its always to some great degree of obsession. I'm never able to just say, "oh, i love this person and we have an amazing time together". For me its always, "i love this person and if they leave, i may possibly k*ll myself"
Sometimes, its not even k*lling myself, i go to extreme measures to bring them back to me, including venturing into withcraft and spells. Yes yes, its a messy thing to do.
I wonder why i get like that and compared to the others, it's even worse with my last ex. I don't doubt that i love him, i just think it's a scary type of love and i don't know if that's even safe for him or if he would want that. He used to tell me not to hide from him and even now, he says to be myself but myself is too much.
I grew up in a fairly alright home. My parents were nice until they weren't, i have 2 younger siblings but I've always had weird thoughts (maybe I'll share some later). I used to just say it was how i was meant to be considering i can't think of one reason why I'm like this. Maybe it was the sexual abuse?
Entry #003
Today was nice. i didn't spend too much time with negative thoughts. I flipped them as fast as i could. I meditated, did my work and now i feel a lot better.
I'm still working out a lot of reasons why i am the way i am and do the things i do as I understand myself better, which is good.
Entry #004
I haven't written in 8 days, it seems. Honestly, it hasn't felt like 8 days. Everything is a blur and I'm not sure where anything begins or ends. My life feels like one mundane looped video i have to watch over and over again. I'm not complaining or anything. I think if it were anything but- i wouldn't be happy at all. Not saying I'm happy now but at least I'm calm and not feeling anything intense.
This may not be a good thing. My best friend just told me he's upset with me and while i noticed it had been that way for the past couple of days, i decided to confirm tonight. I didn't ask him because i was feeling bad about the fact that we weren't talking much or that he was being weird. Actually, I asked only so i wouldn't seem like the bad friend who wasn't concerned about her friendship and when he said he was, i realized i may be the bad friend who isn't concerned about her friendship.
I'm finding it hard to feel things and by things, i mean actual emotions. This just confirmed it. I love him. I know i do, but that emotion is sitting there along with every other emotion my mind and body creates without being expressed. Its like I have all these words and stories in my head but i don't know how to tell them because they're in a different language than the one i speak. I don't know if that even makes sense.
When my best friend said he was upset with me, i said okay and even now, I still think "okay." It feels like i don't care even though i know i do and i don't quite know what to do with that.
