Dear 13 Year Old Self

Dear 13 year old self,

I know the pain, the yelling and the internal torment you cant understand or place knowing that you mean nothing to those you thought loved you terrifies you, I know you wanted to walk away from it all but never knew how or even if you should but that doesnt mean that you werent loved by anyone because I always have and am proud of who youve become, told you could never amount to anything wanting only to be accepted by your family unit, by those you made friends with throughout the time that we both lived in the same skin.

What was the hardest was attempting to accept and believe in yourself because no one else could at the time even is hard for me now, being an adult version. You as I do love without the expectation of reciprocation, this has always been our way because of what we went through, I am so proud of you for not giving in and that carries again over to your adult self, me.

The bullying the mistreatment of you as a person the thoughts in your head about the chaos that you thought you caused are warranted but were never because you werent doing the right thing for you and even now Im still coming to terms with this part of the journey we have been on.

We are much more than these angry hurt emotion we were fooled for the longest time that we were not even worth celebrating, not that anyone knew how to celebrate who we are. The fights you heard that seemed constant in your mind and mine were just because no one understood you, they dont understand me, but that means that we are in this together, unconditionally, without need of worry because as your adult self is learning who he is he is proud of who you have made him become.

The nights you cried yourself to sleep because you didnt fit are totally justified you wee going through things that no one else could ever fathom. We arent a bad person because others think we amount to nothing, they just dont and didnt want to know you because for them it was and is all to hard to see that we are stronger now for that situation and others that we faced.

Many of the situations we found our self in became a part of what was at the time a toxic environment and I know you wanted to walk away from it all but couldnt and as a result we made the decision yes to do some things that were hurtful to who we are as a person, but having many that essentially took you for granted and as a result playing on your impressionable mind. Many of these situations I know you followed in to blindly but that doesnt make any of what happened your direct fault or you a bad person, I am always here for you, speak to me tell me what you desire, the adult self will make this happen. Lets go in to this without fear of hurting others and yes I know thats very strange for you to get your head around but its something your adult self is ready to take on.

I hear the screams I feel the hurt the pain, all of it but you are safe now, we made it through together, I know what you are saying and I hear you I always have. I know you are my past and as a result we have indeed grown in to a man that is for now relearning how to be the man you have wanted to be all along. You are safe you are protected; we will always get through whatever is thrown our way. The dry stinging tears I feel right now from you the cautious foot steps are perfectly fine, we are almost there.

To know that we made it this far being torn down and used for so long is hard to admit to and guess what that again is fine, we are an empathetic being that feels and loves so deeply and we will be alright as I have shown you and you have shown me. We are more than a nuisance and a sometimes because even though we are tentative about trust and love, this is who we are not because of what people around us made us think and feel but because we have made the choice to be something that is totally different from who our parents thought we would be or amount to.

What we went through I cant speak about especially your older self but we dont have to, we are loyal, honest, dependable, easy going and very forgiving but we hold on to all this because we still cant process it or understand if we have to. We are together in this and Im proud that you trusted yourself to now speak up and say what you have, which I fully agree with even though that who we are makes it harder to turn off our humanity and walk away, this your adult self is learning, and while growing in to the courage and self belief because I do believe in myself, I want to tell you that theres never a moment where I give up and that comes from you.

We are a better person because of this side of us that no one wishes to see. I have always believed in something that is bigger than who we are. I know you having been through these nights has always told me that we are so much better than what people tell us we are, you are not at fault for what went on during those nights that no one thought was being listened to.

This life I lead now is because of you and I am so grateful to be in a position to tell you we are in a good place despite what is going on with a few, I know you want me to ask her why, its scary to thin of a reason or if I should even ask but I know you want to find out because you want to dance with her inner child, knowing full well that she doesnt appreciate who you are and that is ok, Ive learnt that it is ok to let go and that doesnt mean the drastic ways many think and I know it is common and what really confuses us both is why there is one that comes back.

Yes its your adult thought string right now and that you want me to ask, Im not scared to because its something we are allowed to know. Im scared because she will leave and I know you are terrified of this emotion but what you said today walk away Im realising is the best advice Ive heard from myself, well you and I thank you for allowing me to know what you want to do, even if we do love her. Being selfish about my journey is what Im coming to accept about us right now after being hurt for the longest time by someone we trust love and accept, even when she doesnt think anything of me, well thats what your adult self feels.

You lived a life in the shadows, on the outskirts of society because you were never accepted and now I can say that we are accepted by at least one person, who yes called the cops on you from another country just to make sure you were safe, this to me is what family is all about and she is my family. Your immediate family hasnt even concerned themselves with you for the longest while and it doesnt surprise your adult self because yet again in seemingly go full circle that Im not a concern or that Im to much trouble to deal with so they choose to ignore who we are.

This is a constant thought and set of emotions that has always been there and that is ok, because Im proud of you for what youve become which is me. We are a resilient strong courageous entity that will fit somewhere that is right for us, so hang in there I have your best interests and my at heart. We are going to surface soon and no one will be able to sway us from what we want to do because its what weve always wanted ever since those sleepless and tear soaked pillow nights all those years ago that have now gone but we as a entity dont have to worry any longer about what anyone has to think yes your adult self will take on board some of the suggestions, but teenage me you have always had it in you to be what you always wanted and no one will ever take this drive of determination away from us.

- Ink

edited by Rain45 moved to Trauma Community due to forum restructuring