Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse
Today Ive decided to start my own journal in here rather than dumping in the daily check ins. I feel like there might actually be some benefits for me to get all of this crap out somewhere and it just feels too vulnerable to be putting it onto paper.
A year ago I finally received a formal diagnosis of primary PTSD with dissociative symptoms and secondary diagnosis of GAD. I have now also received another diagnosis query of ADD/ADHD - more on the ADD end.
I grew up in a super strict Baptist home with what everyone viewed as a loving stable home. I was bright, super inquisitive, outgoing and considered gifted. My parents saw me as argumentative and questioning them all the time. I questioned the world and everything around me- I wanted to understand things! They get this now.
At 14 I ran away. I felt like I was never listened to or heard. My feelings were continually invalidated. I wasnt encouraged or allowed to be me, or supported in this. I was forced to be and act a certain way. I was told I had to do it their way or I couldnt live there. So I left.
I wasnt getting what I needed from my parents- the unconditional love and support to grow into my true self. I am just connecting this now with the help of my Psychologist
Im feeling like Im not connecting with people on here enough this week and Ive had tons going on and so has everyone else π£ my last week feels like its been a bluster of activity and emotions and I havent even been able to centre myself again yet.
Daughter #2 had a massive meltdown yesterday and disclosed that 4 of her friends have been self harming that shes reported to adults / counsellors. She had a big fight with her 2 close friends about them advising a friend to lie to the counsellor / school about it. Shes beginning to realize that true friends encourage things that are in your best interest and feels like shes the only one doing this.
Some more of my crazy last couple days. Daughter #2s been begging me for a cuddly companion for a long time - a cat or hamster, because she says she could never betray her dog at her dads. This dog is a big emotional support for her. Ive wondered for the last few months about if I should get her a dog- that I think it would actually be a huge benefit for her and shes so responsible. The last few weeks she actually added dog to her list of wanted possible companion. Shes spent the last week researching needed supplies for hamsters, types, costs for supplies, needed square inches for cages, how much money she needs to save etc. Shes written out a concrete goal list with set plans. The thing is.... I know this plan for a hamster isnt really what she truly wants. She truly wants a dog... a play and emotional companion.
So... I may be crazy but Ive started looking at rescue dogs... in particular am considering a couple with trauma pasts who need some extra love and kindness. I am sort of figuring if I have a min of 4 months now before returning to work, now is the time. Yes, I think I might have lost my mind- its been a long time since Ive had a dog ( and only ever 1 dog) and the only issues he had was he took off out of the yard, and he INHALED food!
@purpleWest8143
I think dogs are huge emotional supports.. My little dog has helper me through so so many times where I've been ready to give up... Its a really sweet idea west! 
@calmLake1999 yes! I know this β€οΈ She LOVES her other dog so insanely much. Tbh I
@purpleWest8143
Oh yeah I kinda forgot the extra stuff involved with settling them in lol jasper was hard work hehehe im glad the roommates are onboard π
@calmLake1999 yep.... so well see what happens and whether I decide to go through with this or not. Still considering although heavily leaning towards doing and have friends on the lookout for dogs. Waiting for roommate #2 to give the go ahead π
@purpleWest8143
Oh yes! A dog!! πΆπ I'm totally for getting a dog π I'd love to have one myself, but all have so little time and different working times and we're just such a chaotic household... But one day I'll have a dog, too π I always wanted to have one, so that's definitely on my list as well...
@purpleWest8143
:) How old is your daughter?
@singercrystalspirit daughter #2 is 12
@purpleWest8143
ok :)
Ive taken some inspiration from @wizeakre as well as reviewed these in art therapy for a project the other week and this morning feel like making a concrete list to remind myself.
My list of core values:
empathy, compassion, Understanding, character and integrity
diligence, perserverence, safety, and stability
autonomy
curiousity, growth, learning, wisdom, knowledge
Iwant to be able to find more balance and simplicity, flexibility, and humour.
Update* we have a fur friend arriving today! ππ¬π daughter #2 has no idea! Im so excited. Shes a super sweet jack Russel mix - and has been fostered by my girlfriend whos a trainer for the last year and a bit. This will be a trial stay and Im telling daughter that were dog sitting. Shes especially down today and Im so looking forward to this! She thinks my best guy friend is just coming from out of town to visit lol.
Note to self *
best ways to support daughter:
help her develop strong sense of self - shes smart, can reason and make decisions about things for her self, does not need to listen to other people,
shes super sensitive to any questions about anything to do with her dad/ her time there- try to not ask anything as she stated she thinks I will use it against him. He has told her I get mad at him and blames me for everything to her- I need to be sensitive of this with her. If she mentions her dad saying something to her, remind her that her dad is an adult and capable of taking care of himself. As am I.
@purpleWest8143
Woo! That's awesome! Isn't Calm's Jasper a Jack Russell mix as well? Think she said he's part Chihuahua. Jack Russells everywherez! XD
@purpleWest8143 totally awesome!!!
@purpleWest8143
A DOG!!! WOOOHOOO!! π That's so awesome, I'm getting all excited about it right now, I'm so happy for you and your daughters, they'll so much love their little fur friend...
Hey West, only wanted to say hi and send you a few hugs π π how's life with the new family member? Hope you're ok *hugs*
@courteousNorth5140 hi north! Thank you for thinking of me β€οΈ I am good. Been swamped. Super Sick kid home all week, finishing projects off and lots of appts. Its been a go go go kind of week. Ive only been checking in on here quickly as I find Im on here for a couple hours otherwise and its hard to be present with my daughter when Im glued to my phone. That feels funny as I feel like Im neglecting everyone- my support network here.
How are you doing?
And the pups settling in good! Getting more comfortable in the home- more secure and wondering in the yard etc. Still needs to be put in the crate when we go out or she cries though π
@purpleWest8143
@caloenasNicoabra @wizeakre @perfectstorm426 @singercrystalspirit @calmlake1999 @courteousnorth5140
to my online family! Im back and will be trying to catch up with everyone over the next couple days and see how everyones doing. Sorry Ive been MIA. Im good and have just been super busy at home with sick daughter #2 off school for a whole week getting cabin fever π€, the new dog, re modelling daughters bedroom (finished refinishing an old antique wooden bed) and gardening! Crazy week π
@purpleWest8143
WOO! It's West! βͺL( β½ο½L )βͺ
You don't need to apologize for anything! Good lords of plenty it sounds like you're absolutely swamped. Hope you take some me time for yourself! Look forward to seeing you around. <3
@purpleWest8143
Hello!!!
Therapy morning with my Psychologist and she said I could bring the new pup Annie with me π . Daughter #2 hasnicknamed her Annie bannanie lol
https://imgur.com/a/prISc0K were lazing in bed this morning still as had a huge episode and stand off with daughter #2 last night which was horrible. I trialled something suggested by the new therapist assigned to her , which I just realized is a social worker NOT an actual therapist. Im feeling super torn about the whole situation and worried its not the right thing to be doing. She was wanting to sleep with me last night and this is becoming more and more frequent lately with her staying she NEEDS to be near me. When SO is over she plants herself in my bed and will not leave - she has said shes worried that shell lose me to him and my thought is that shes projecting feelings about her dad onto me because he puts all his energy and efforts into his new relationship. It was suggested I just put my foot down, put her back in her bed and lick my door if needed. The thing is she gets anxiety also and Im not sure this is behavioural based- I think theres more to it.
So lastnight I calmly told her I, thatshe had to stay in her own bed. It ended up morphing into me having to carry her back to her bed approx 10 times. Bawling. Hyperventilating. Self hating statements. I NEEED YOU! Im horrible, I act like a 2 year old- whats wrong with me then doing the same thing again.
@purpleWest8143
Hey West π Annie is so so cute π, love the nickname your daughter gave her π
I'm sure you wrote that anywhere but I'm not sure if I'm right, daughter #2 is 8, right? I think you might be right, she's projecting her feelings for her dad on you, she's scared of losing you too, and I don't think it's a behavioural thing, this is real anxiety, a really horrible fear for a child... I think, you're doing it right, carry her to her own bed again and again, perhaps stay at her bed for some time, calm her a bit, reassure her again and again that you're there... We practiced that with our little one for some time a while ago, well, now we're back at him sleeping in our bed almost every night, but for some time it worked... At first we we md our bedroom next to his for some time, so we were only next door, he could even just bang against the wall and we'd be there... And we gave him an old phone, so he could call us and we're always telling him it's ok if he wakes us when he's scared, so he doesn't have to feel guilty about it... I think it's really important to take such fears seriously, it's a really deep fear and we have to reassure our children that we're always there for them, but also tell them that you don't always have to be actually there to be there, they can always reach you, you don't have to sit next to them 24/7, you'll still be there in the morning... But I think with some time and patience this will get better π don't give up, I'm sure you'll be able to handle this π believe in your abilities as a mother, you're doing great here West *hugs*
@courteousNorth5140 thank you for this. I missed it the first time around and just saw it now. Daughter #2 is 12 and almost 13. But also very mature and intelligent in many ways for her age so I guess this kind of stuff is getting into a different ballpark now at this developmental stage (also the fact that shes only 20 lbs or so less than me, so carrying her is NO easy feat). I guess the thing that stood out to me when speaking to my Psychologist today as shes very aware of the big picture of whats going on is that in a way my daughter DOES actually need me, since shes unable to self regulate her anxiety yet. So thats part of the key thing here. So I have to find small ways to be doing this, such as laying in her bed, and helping her with things like imagery etc. Shell begin to learn to do those on her own eventually....
*TRIGGER WARNING* SUICIDAL IDEATION*
I remained completely calm the whole time and would talk her through the panicking. Explain she did not need me , She felt like she did, feelings are ok etc etc, imagery. Tuck her in. Go back to bed. Repeat x 10
she said she wanted to die. But didnt want to kill herself. She would just be better off not alive. This whole thing was killing me.her begging me. Saying it was too overwhelming and she NEEDED ME. She NEEDED to be close to me. I had tears pouring down my face. I hate this. It was horrible. I felt like I was torturing her and it took an hour and a half. This was already 1 hour after Id already tucked her into bed originally.
Tonight the SO is supposed to be staying over to see how things go. I know its going to be a rough night again and Im feeling super torn. I dont know if this was the right thing to do or not.
@purpleWest8143
Try to have a really relaxed evening with SO and your daughter, perhaps watch a film or anything she likes to do, try to do sth comforting, show her that she's an important part of the family... And of course she doesn't need you, but she needs you, you know? Right now she needs you like the air to breath, I really think all you can do is reassuring her that you're here, validate her feelings, it's ok to feel like that, to feel like she needs you like that, tell her you need her too... The suicidal thoughts are really worrying, I totally understand that, hearing things like that is just horrible, I don't think there's a rught answer on sth like that, take her in your arms and hold her close, that's what I do with my little one whenever that topic appears, hold him close and tell him I wouldn't be better off without him, that's all I can think of π
Goals for myself to be keeping in clear focus:
1.When dealing with ex-husband: remember that I am dealing with someone who exhibits narcissistic behaviours.
No contact is best - keep communication at an absolute minimum and make sure there is no emotion communicated, keep everything terse and factual. Ignore any bad reactions. Communicate only by email unless there is an emergency. GREY ROCK
Co-parenting is not possible - do not attempt. He only uses any information I give him against me or to manipulate daughter/ guilt her.
Make sure that any pertinent duties or things that need to happen as far as parenting responsibilities / necessary things are included in court orders. Make sure these things are ENFORCEABLE. If they are not followed or violated - seek legal action. If communication is abusive - seek legal action.
Keep communication articulate and clear with judges, courts and lawyers.
I do not need to influence my Ex husband in any way - only the courts and legal system. REMEMBER THIS! I deserve to be treated with respect and my daughter deserves to be treated fairly and free of manipulation / coercion and to not be treated like a pawn or to have her dads spite for me taken out on her.
2. In supporting daughter:
She needs to be supported in learning to be aware of her body / feelings / needs / wants and to be able to assert herself for these things.
I have to find ways to foster my relationship with her and maintain the feeling of safety and security she has with me.
Remember that she is driven by feelings of anxiety and is often projecting worries that are actually subconsciously about her dad. Step back and remember to look at what the underlying "NEED" is that she is trying to meet.
She actually NEEDS me at this time to help her regulate those feelings of anxiety - keep working on helping her build skills for herself while sitting with her - breathing, imagery (safe places), grounding, songs and choreo, stretching before bed to reduce restlessness
3. For myself:
Self Care I need to figure out how I will balance my self care once I go back to work full time. Right now I am having no problem with this. I think that my actual self care activities far outweigh my slef mastery type care activities but I know that once I go back to work I end up going more into a basic survival type mode and have trouble balancing things. I end up struggling with the necessary type stuff such as meal planning, cleaning, commuting for dance pick- ups with city traffic. I end up not having the same amount of time for yoga, visiting with friends (although in one way I get more socialization through work colleagues and lunches). No time for furniture refinishing, leisurly baths, way less time for reading. trouble getting to bed early.
Some possible ideas once back to work to think of:
hire a house cleaner
drive to dance straight from work and take my books to read.
extend lunch breaks twice/ week for yoga? yoga once on weekend
create a tight routine / schedule and stick to it - with meal planning, date night, day to get out with friends
Boundaries
work - make sure that whatever position I end up going to has a clear role definition and that I have a good grasp of this. I cannot do everything and be everything for my clients / patients. The people I work with have a right to autonomy and my role is to support them and work collaboratively with them in the journey toward better mental health. I am not responsible for them completely. They have a right to make their own decisions. KEEP THIS IN MIND! I can go home and leave work at work.
Personal - keep a clear idea of what my needs are. Do not be afraid to ask for these things. I am a respectful and kind person - I deserve to have my needs met just as much as the next person as I am not agressive about these things and do consider others rights and needs as well. Speak my mind. It keeps me from shutting down and dissociating. If I feel as though someone is making incorrect assumptions and judgments about me - say this and stick up for myself. I know what my morals and values are - other people who don't know me won't, and it is common for people to make judgments based on their previous experiences with other people.
How I want to live my life
I want to live my life in a way that is true to my values and morals. I want to be kind, empathetic, compassionate, and non-judgmental in my interactions with others while still being true to myself. I hope that all of the awful things that I have experienced can culminate into wisdom and knowledge eventually and help me to be able to give back to others in a way that will help support them in their own struggles, and help to improve their own quality of life. I want to find the strength to remain grounded and be able to continually use assertive communication maintaining healthy boundaries in all areas of my life.
@purpleWest8143
I love this so much and I can identify with it, too. I love your strong goals and I love, love, LOVE your self care awareness and ideas. I love that you are focused on your values right now and living according to those. (That's been on my mind, lately, too).
@singercrystalspirit will be a work In progress but I think it helps me having it all put down here π
@purpleWest8143
I bet it does. I just got a new therapist and she is having me practice stuff by writing it down, too, I think it really does help to write it down and then share!!
@singercrystalspirit yes! I
@purpleWest8143
Thank you 
Its late and daughter #2 is passed out on my bed. I let her bus to the carnival with a bunch of friends straight from school and they stayed for HOURS π€£ she had originally proposed staying until 10 pm! Which of course was in no way happening (and she never would have actually WANTED to). She always gets excited about BIG plans her friends propose but gets tired and sick of their antics pretty quick. PLUS, they seem to forget Im the one they consider the cool mom which also means Im super in tune with whats going on. I know what the carnival is to middle school kids. But my daughter is usually the voice of reason- she described her friend as Pinocchio and herself as the cricket on Pinocchios shoulder π. Anyways, not sure if you guys will know what Im referring to but they all went on the zipper for the first time today. Its a caged seat and flips around upside down. My kid passed out / fainted 5x on her first go! And she kept getting back on and fainting multiple times every ride. My gawd! I have no idea what these kids were thinking. She was soooooo sick π€
@purpleWest8143
Oh wow! The carnival! Been ages since I been to a school one or one that visits town. Your daughter is very bold going into that horrible zipper thing. O____O; Over and over again. lol
Scared of the reaction I'd have! Those rides. XD *hides by the Skeeball tables*
You've been pretty busy lately, West. But you seem pretty light-hearted. <3 Hope things are going well for you, Cool Mom!
@CaloenasNicobarica things are going super good here actually. Insanely busy. Theres Still struggles but for some reason Im just feeling a lot more on point if that makes sense. Questioning my relationship- feeling a lot less patient about things.... hating the ex husband and his antics but able to compartmentalize that bette and not stress/ worry as much about it.
Ive been spending tons of time doing yard work and refinishing furniture and my days have just been blowing by so fast!
I hope you are well and school is going ok?
@purpleWest8143
Nice! <3
Hope the business calms down with summer approaching. From what I read above, that info sheet you made of your goals and such. It really does seem like you're "on point" and present. It sounds like there's a lot of proactive, fiery energy to work with. Which makes sense with the really creative side you've got going on now. May things continue to be productive!
This year has went by pretty quickly. Shocked that's already mid-May here.
And thanks for asking. Things are def getting better. Finally got up the nerve to change my advisor and be open to the program manager for IT in my school. Guess I was the first one to wanna leave this d-bag guy behind! But once I explained my "condition" slang for PTSD, he was empathetic and at the end of this academic term I get my new one. A laid back lady who likes Star Trek!1!!! Woo. Happy! But he told my advisor to be chill with me and let me off the radar. Told them he was "too assertive" even though he was...well, flat out rude and disrespectful. Gettin' my classes done, but not sure if I'm gonna finish that last class with the cert.
Thanks again for encouraging me to open up about my disability stuff. Was tryin' to drag my butt through this and it wasn't working. I feel a lot better about things, the school culture is highly geared towards just "checking the box" types which can still be a little difficult. Overall though, way more positive about things than before!