Can

.... the feelings just dont stop.... Since I was 18 years old I lived in lies fear cheats and abuse.... I fall in love with a man who never really loved me! (So I think he didnt) the abuse started when he decided not to come home for two nights and I was left at his moms house at the time his best friend was staying with us too and finally his friend gave in and told me where my boyfriend was so I had to drive by and see for my self well yup I saw him and another girl out side later that night he came home accusing me of sleeping with his best friend and started getting physical in front of his best friend thats only the beginning.... did I mention this boyfriend of mines slept around and if I try to leave or anything I was call the worse names ever and the most important part it was always my fault I hurt him 1st (I never have ) but in his head I did threaten me if I was with anyone he will kill me 12 long years I lived in this night mare got pregnant had a baby boy and the cherry on top finding out the girl he constantly cheated on me with was pregnant too our sons are two months apart... well my sons dad has passed away and lately I feel so horrible living in fear again my boss can be rude at times with the things he says n does almost a controlling way of everything just like my ex my anxiety is so bad Im always hot and breathing so fast when I go to work its so bad I rather not call my boss and ask him anything because of how negative he is when it comes to guys well this is the worse I fear of being hurt all over I build this wall and when I feel emotional attachment I ignore them and completely stop talking to them my heart hurt from the loss of my sons dad but in a way Im a tab relieved but still scared of the let down and hurt I cant trust anyone no more I fear the voice of a man (tone) just want to feel happy now not worthless ugly or hurt I want this feeling to go away I lived it for too long already ugh someone help me!