A (rather long) Letter to Him (Please Read Trigger Warning)

Trigger Warning*

I acknowledge that each of you come to 7Cups with your own experiences that may have affected you traumatically. In my post, I will be writing about events that are triggering to others. These topics are domestic abuse/violence, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, thoughts of suicide, possibly addresses narcissistic traits and possibly other triggers I may have forgotten to include. If you are a survivor or still experiencing similar situations and those topics may have a negative effect on your personal well-being, please do not continue. The last thing I want is to traumatize you again. -Sending ❤️ your way, Jacqueline Sloane

Dear H U B A H U B A,

I love you, but I really shouldn't. I really want to stay but I need to leave. I'm starting to realize I'm better off alone than with you. I deserve so much more than what you give me or falsely promise. I remember our first night and thinking you were something amazing. We went for sushi and ended up at the beach looking at the night sky. I remember saying, "you're gonna be trouble," not realizing you are trouble. You're the reason why I'm writing a letter to strangers about the trauma I got being with you. About how the night I got my scar affected me more than I knew. All the demeaning name calling, threats, fights, just everything broke me more than I care to admit to those who really know me. Until now, you're being the cruelest man I've ever known. I'm literally crying, typing this out so I can move on. I'm begging any spiritual being to just help me get off the ground cause I feel lower than 100 year old dirt. You're currently texting me and being vile and mean. Threatening me and accusing me like you always do. I am not who you think I am! I am not a cheater! I am not a whore! I am not a thief. I am so much more than you think or believe I am. But since you forgot, let me remind you!

I am a pageant queen who donates her time and money to her mother's isolated hometown that cannot afford the amenities I grew up with living in America. I hold two, almost, three degrees and did it regardless of any problems I had to go through in my personal life. Until you, I held a stable job for 10 years and was financially stable and independent. I did not do drugs. I am very attractive contrary to your popular belief and yes, men have approached me and I've left them on read. I'm 4'11 10 years out of high school and I can still fit my cheerleading uniform. I was raised on some old-fashion family values and that is my reason for being so family-oriented. My family and friends will tell you I am loving, loyal and committed, honest and trustworthy, and caring. My previous partners will tell you I was their biggest regret and they never should've left. How do I know? They've told me.

But to you, I'm nothing but your personal physical, emotional, psychological punching bag. You will demean me til you get what you want. I could be in tears "performing" for you and you won't tell me to stop. In fact, you'll make me do it til you're all satisfied and done. When I do finally raise my voice, I go home with bruises all over my body then get accused that someone else is the one bruising me up. I'll get bruises again when I say they're from no one but you. You've hit me many times based on your delusions. Many times I've tried to provide proof that didn't fit into your stories and I got hurt because of it. Like the scar near my left brow from the beer bottle you "accidentally" threw my way. What did I do that night? I took care of my wound by myself. I calmed you and put you to sleep. I got out of bed and cleaned up the glass. I went to the clinic by myself and lied while I got 7 sutures.

After all the things I've endured because you fail to see me. I still want to prove to you I'm all the amazing things someone searches for in a partner, so that you can see what's in front of you. OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES! Then again, someone told me you can't change what doesn't want to change. I'm walking away while I'm still alive. No more chokeholds or strangling, being slapped or hit, threatened and demeaned, being forced to take a hit and then being accused of stealing it for a bum, 24 hour arguments where you rant til I'm hyperventilating and choking on my tears, second guessing my worth because I'm not perfect like the other women you think are. I won't feel so low that the only thing saving me from a 6 foot deep bed are the thoughts of my godkids.

You save I've changed, but lovey, you made me this way. I was the sweetest and nicest girl you've ever met, you said. Now you call me a cunt bitch who talks and acts like a man. Newsflash, a woman will never feel the need to have her masculine traits show with her partner if her feminine side is well nourished. I've been disrespected so many times in our relationship, but I still love you. I really do wish you the best. It's all I can do now.

Not Yours Anymore,
Wifey