A Tangled Mess *TW*

I'm sorry. I am bad and I don't belong here with all you true survivors.

It's so confusing. Sometimes I think it is almost worse this way... because he (dad) honestly loves/loved me but at the same time he caused so many issues.. like severe pain (the kind that prevents thinking or anything, dissociation) by playing sadistic and sexual and painful "games"... and I have a fear over MANY things... for example, he'd wait until I had completely let my guard down/was vulnerable and then he'd hide and then he'd jump out to scare me, or one time he held me down so I couldn't get away and told me to turn my head only to see a spider next to me, inches from my face (spiders are one of my biggest fears) he held me there while I screamed and screamed, or he would rip open the shower curtain while I was bathing/showering and/or he would wait quietly outside of the bathroom door listening and waiting until I was completely vulnerable and had let my guard down, then he'd pound on the door laughing maniacally - it made me jump so hard I'd sometimes fall of the sink where I was sitting and get hurt. He did nerve shock torture and other really bad things I won't say...

While we were cuddling or spooning each other (that's normal right?) on the couch he could feel me relax and settle down into him, and then he'd grab me in the "bad spots" and make it hurt...

Now as an adult I'm SEVERELY hypervigillent. Im always EXTREMELY keyed up. It's almost impossible to settle down... and my startle reflex is so high. Like higher than anyone I've ever met. But he also was the most loving too (and even then it was very enmeshed and unhealthy and conditional) which makes it even worse and more confusing in my eyes.

But the love.... I felt like a lover in a way. But there was soooooo much genuinely loving and healthy connections. In fact he was almost always loving.