Tw cosca sa

this is my first thread and I really need help with this thing it has been eating me alive and in any or some way coming back and haunting me. I don’t really remember how old I was I was around 5-7 around the time my oldest sister we used to sleep together in this bunk bed and she repeatedly molested me I don’t know how long this went on it’s like my brain doesn’t want me to remember for how long but I just know it happened for weeks. I remember the terrible stuff she used to tell me when she did it too. Ever since then I’ve been heavily struggling with hyper sexuality and just like the feeling that I got something taken from me those days that I will never ever get back in my life I am every single day grieving the child I used to be. Every since then though I’ve been actively and randomly waking up with this ickyness and just overall disgusting feeling of myself and of everything this feeling it’s almost like an impending doom and it automatically ruins my whole day. Causing me to go into this depressed state all day. I don’t want to like get police in this we were both kids but the thing is she was like 10-13 years old. I never would’ve even think to do that to my little cousins or whoever if I was that age. I just feel disgusted why me this terrible thing to get to me. Makes me angry and sad because I’ll never be able to get my childhood back ever. I *** hate my sister and I always will am I also wrong for that? Yeah we act like it never happened now she has a career now happy and living which also kind of makes me jealous why didn’t that ruin her like it did to me does she even think about it now? Does it haunt her like it does me? I hope she knows she ruined my life. Why I was so miserable all those years with that feeling haunting me for years I *** hate her. Yeah I’ve told my mom about it multiple times but she always says the same thing or just stays sitting there not knowing what to do and I wouldn’t either I’m not blaming her or anything but mostly all she tells me is that to pray. Pray to god. God? Where was god when that was happening to me. Where was anyone really. My mom also doesn’t really believe in physchological help and I’m mostly to embarrassed to ask for it. It’s just the same feeling over and over again randomly and I don’t know what to do I have been sick and tired.