Trauma bond

There was this supposed "good" friend of mine. I knew that he was actually a horrible person who had done horrible things to me in the past, but I kept ignoring my gut instincts and red flags about him. I was stuck in a cycle of constant hurt and then with him trying to make it up to me. He then asked me out and since I was strongly attracted to him I said yes. But even in the relationship it was like I had to keep fighting for crumbs of his affection, and all we did was flirt. I idolized him in my head. I kept thinking about ending it, but since I was attached to and scared of him. Finally, he ended things. I was heartbroken but relieved. We decided to continue our friendship and when I finally bought up issues from the past and acknowledged our horrible past together, he kept trying to say sorry and lure me back. Finally, I'd had enough and snapped. He finally lost it and blocked me. I became so desperate that I went to his home and reforged our friendship. But I noticed a permanent change in the way he treated me now, and there was no way I could look past that and keep idolizing him anymore. So, in a few days, we had a fight again and blocked each other. This happened a total of 3 times, where I'd finally had enough and stopped going back to him. I'm starting to move on, but now there's another problem. I'm starting to talk and behave with myself the way he used to with me, sometimes nice, then suddenly disrespectful. Now I'm just stuck in a cycle of self loathing and tho I don't blame myself for the relationship with him, I don't know what to do about this harmful self talk that didn't exist before. Also, my coping strategies are getting weaker and weaker by the day.