This is going to be long. TW

I 40f have been married to my husband 47, for 23 yrs.

I was 16 he was 23. I thought he was my knight in shining armor, there to rescue me from the *** I was living in with my parents. He said all the right things. I met him in February/March and we were married by August. *To make a long story somewhat shorter, my parents abused me in every way possible, I ran away, was put in juvie for running away(parents had connections) and was put on probation, tried to end myself, went into mental hospital for around 2 months, was NOT released into my parents custody due to ongoing investigation, instead was released to live with my sister and her husband at the time. Shortly after I was released I met her husband's brother, my now husband. He made me feel loved and cared for and special, I was vulnerable and naive and fell head over heels, I thought he loved me and wanted to rescue me. My sister and her husband became insanely jealous about our relationship and kicked me out of their house, nevermind the law..., so I went to live with another sister and her husband, remember I am on probation, the next day I contacted my probation officer to let him know of the situation he said ok, he would look into the matter not to worry. While I'm there my other sister is spreading lies about me sleeping around with other guys and telling my now husband, remember she's married to his brother. About 2 weeks or so later my probation officer says that if i do not go back to my other sisters house or back to my parents house i would go back to juvie. Upon hearing all of the rumors and that I have to go back to my parents, he comes back to town, begged me to marry him, I said I was too young, wasn't ready, but he made it sound like we were going to have a dream life. I relented, and said ok, he promised me that I would still be able to finish school and go to college and have the career of my dreams. He asked my father for permission to marry me. They said they would sign the papers if he bought them cigarettes and food and gave them an undisclosed amount of money, I'm thinking it was somewhere between $100 and $500, but I'm not certain, as the number has changed a few times when he reminds me that even my parents didn't want me.

My parents "sold" me to him, in the state I live in you can get married at 16 with parents approval.

So, we get married at the courthouse and go back to the state he was living in at the time. It all started slowly, with snide remarks that I dismissed as stress from his job. I became pregnant about 2 months later. I had rules I had to follow, I did not have access to a phone or a computer, I did not have access to money or a car, I didn't even have my license at that time. If I wanted to leave the apartment I had to ask permission. I wasn't allowed to brush my teeth or take a shower daily. I was in a new state, no friends, no family, all alone. He made sure to let me know that I would never find anyone to love me because of how *** up I am....except... he says none of that actually happened and it was all in my head. He says I made it all up, it didn't happen that way. I know I'm not crazy, I know what he said. I'd been to therapy many times, hospitalized many times and on meds many times in the early years due to the mistreatment. I tried to leave several times but was unsuccessful because he would remind me of how alone I was and I'd lose custody of my kids because I was unstable and unfit, so I stayed. I stayed for 22 yrs. In 2022 he assaulted me and held me hostage after another fight, in the days after I gave myself 1 year to get my sh*t together and get away from him...so I did, kinda. In September of 2023, I finally had enough money saved to get an apartment and file for divorce, it took almost 2 months to finally be able to follow through. A week before Thanksgiving I finally got the courage to file for divorce, the day after Thanksgiving I was in the clear to leave safely. The following hours, days and weeks were stressful yet peaceful. Until he told the kids he would kill himself. He would blame me and they would never forgive me, I couldn't lose them. He said he would report my car as stolen, take me off the insurance, have the car repossesed and many other things. *It is my car, but is in his name, I've made every payment with my money.* I couldnt lose my car. So, I called off the divorce. He manipulated me and I stupidly fell for it. He is back in my life. He is love bombing. He says he's in therapy, I know he's not.

My question is, how do I tell him I don't want him back, how do I let go, how do I lose what I have left? If he kills himself, I will lose my kids. They will 100% blame me. They are 20, 21 and 22 and all still live with him. He has blamed me for everything and they believe him. They've asked me why I abandoned them and our family, why did I give up, why didn't I keep fighting....so I know he's been telling them that stuff.

*I know its f*cked up, but I still want to spare his feelings even at my own expense.*

*I know I need therapy, but I can't afford it. I am barely scraping by as it is.*

Life would be easier if I was d**d.

*This is a generalized summary, there is so much more to my story.*

Any advice would be appreciated.