Standing Up to Abusers
How does one stop fearing abusers? Four months ago, I received terrible death threats from someone I thought was a friend. I’ve stopped trusting him ever since. However, I’m scared that if or when he inevitably finds out that I’m distancing myself from him, he’ll try to manipulate, blackmail, or threaten me again.
How does one stop fearing such abusers and stand up to them? What should I respond with the next time he threatens me? (Of course, I’ll contact the relevant authorities and my family if necessary. But my question is, what do I say to the person?)
@TheDimLight
I'm very sorry to hear that you've had this experience with someone you thought that was your friend; what happened is not your fault, and you are right to cease any trust you had in him. I'm not sure what happened between you and him, but it's not okay to send someone death threats, and it sounds like he has psychological problems and has manipulated you into feeling you have to talk to him to ensure that you are safe. You shouldn't have to feel you have to interact with someone and otherwise they'll try to manipulate, blackmail, or threaten you; you are definitely right to think of him as an abuser as you are scared to leave and worried what might happen if you do.
Your situation reminds me a lot of a situation that I had where I had a male friend, and after I rejected his romantic feelings, he started stalking me across social media and sending creepy, threatening phone calls to me and other friends. He approached me in public and had mental breakdowns in front of me to try to make me feel sorry for him and have me date him. This was pretty scary, but no matter what people like this do, generally the best strategy people reccomend is to distance themselves as much as possible and try to remove any avenues of communication. I had all my friends block this former male friend, and I blocked all of his accounts on every possible social media platform and if he attempted to make a new account to approach me, I would block that and not reply. These sorts of people crave and want attention and to be acknowledged.
If he does attempt to approach you in a public setting, it is possible that you can make it clear to him that you will contact authorities if he continues to threaten you and that the more he approaches you, the more evidence you have to get him in trouble for what he is doing. It's also good to make sure that your family and friends are aware of the situation and are there to accompany you; it may be embarrassing to tell them about it, and I'm not sure how your family is--they may just say not to take it seriously--but he has clearly made angry death threats. Any additional threats or things that he tells you, you can just ignore them and just try to walk away. The best case scenario is that you avoid any in-person conversations or talks with him, as he clearly is mentally unstable--I'm not sure what your situation with him is, but it sounds like he might be obsessed with you, so talking to him at all could deepen his obsession and make him think he should continue trying to contact you.
Yeah, I think if I stop talking to him then he’ll go away. However, if he makes threats again, I won’t respond and will immediately document them all.
Also, background information:
I’m part of an online friend group I no longer feel comfortable in. I had a few minor fallouts with them and one day, I left the group in a frenzy. This guy is the ringleader of the group. He claimed I had seriously hurt someone in the group—someone he cared about. That’s why he coerced me into returning, saying that if I don’t do so, he’ll first dox my personal information and then [k-word] me. He claimed he uncovered all my details by breaking into my college and interrogating the people I knew (which I now realize kinda sounded like cap, but I worry that it might be true)
@TheDimLight
Hello again. I'm glad to hear back from you, and make sure to tag me if you reply because I want to make sure I don't miss your replies; I found your reply by manually checking.
Definitely document anything that he does, and it makes sense you left that online friend group; the ringleader has a lot of issues--it isn't normal to coerce someone to try to return, threaten their personal information, and then threaten their life. I highly doubt that he uncovered details about you in your college, and you can talk to friends you know to confirm if this is the case or not, if it's really worrying you which I'm sure it is--it's better that your friends are aware of the situation.
Also the stuff that the ringleader said--about you seriously hurting someone--that honestly sounds like an excuse that he's trying to make; people with bad intentions often try to make you feel bad about yourself and try to convince you that you're in the wrong to second guess yourself. But there is absolutely nothing that is okay about threatening someone's life and personal information.
Just another note--if this guy knows what university you attend and that level of personal information then it's possible that you can contact campus security and let them know that someone has been making death threats against you and knows where you live, so they can take appropriate precautions to help you out. This can potentially give you some more peace of mind.
