Raising your adult self after surviving alcoholic mother

(Diary)

I lived with my biological mother for 21 years. After my younger brother almost took his own life due to her bully and beating down his door, I had enough. He left the house and left a note, and before I went looking for him I smashed my mom’s door into pieces. I didn’t have a plan or anything, I was just so scared and angry. I broke her door into splinters and when I finally broke through and it was just the two of us face to face, I slid her wine glass closer and told her she’s going to wish that was her last glass. I told her if I didn’t come home with my brother I’d make sure it was her last drink.

I found my brother, went to a local church and called the police. They forced my brother, dad and I to leave the house. Gave us 15 minutes to pack a bag and we walked away for good.

my entire life was like this, not just that day. It was always obscene drama, chaos and fighting. But not between my parents. My dad had 6 kids to raise, he worked 4 jobs, and only came home at night. We’d call him begging for help, but our mom manipulated him into believing we were the problem for so many years. I don’t hold any grudge on my dad, because I experienced the mental gymnastics my mother could go through to get people on her side. She was evil.

over the last 5 years I have been rebuilding my life, and parenting myself all over again. I parented myself my whole childhood, and even parented my own mother. But now as working towards unfolding traumas, trying to piece together my past, and raise myself all over again.

after graduating college and starting my career, I’m lost in this world of normal.

idk what it’s like to feel or live a normal life.

my new family, my dad, my brothers, my boyfriend and our step mom. It’s all so foreign to me. I’m so used to my mother being against my every move, it’s hard to understand that not everyone is like that.

I try to cope with my inner child by doing things I never got to. I learned to ice skate, because my mom used the money my dad gave her for my lessons on alcohol and drugs.

I weight lift because my mother shames strong women and drilled ED into my brain.

I learned to skii because my mother could never handle a family trip that didn’t revolve around drugs and alcohol.

I ran an Ironman to prove to myself that absolutely nothing can break me. i build a career because my mother only went to college for a husband and parties.

i have so much more work to do. night terrors almost destroy my mental health just from the sleep deprivation. But many nights I’m too scared to close my eyes in fear that I’ll see my mother again.

I wish there were more resources and people talking about adult children with alcoholic parents. I wish people understood that when I say I’m alcohol free, it’s not because I had a problem with it myself. I wish I could function on a level of normalcy, without constant anxiety and fear.

but if anyone read this, or can relate, know you’re not alone. Even the people out there looking like they’re thriving are really just trying to survive.