Not sure where to start
I've recently begun a new treatment that seems to be making all kinds of new connections in my brain. This is making me realize that I have quite a few issues to deal with from my past.
I'm lost about where to start. I can remember the following things:
Age 3/4- lots of arguments between my parents. They got a legal divorce which I didn't know about til my 20s. I remember going to the airport with my mom and brother in the middle of the night to stop my father from leaving us. Then, my mom brother and I wound up in Taiwan for nearly half a year.
Age 7?-17 - my brother best friend molested me and I always felt ashamed even though I knew it wasn't my fault.
Throughout my childhood my father was very ill mentally. He threatened suicide every few years, making sure everyone went knew was aware of the situation. I drove through a hurricane in Texas in the dark when I was 16 because my mother couldn't do it.
She had renal failure when I was 2 and had a kidney transplant 35 yrs ago, which made for a difficult life for her (in terms of health issues).
He was living in another city at the time with our dogs. He was again threatening suicide and took one of the dogs to a junkyard to give away, one was shot in the woods, and I don't remember if there was a third dog at the time. My brother was in the same city and was able to assist the police in finding and taking my father into the hospital for the mandatory 3 day observation. After which, he promptly was able to leave again.
When I was 15, I sassed at him while he was driving and he turned around and backhanded me. He's always been violent so I won't go into all the details. I doubt I remember them all.
It may sound like I am complaining, I don't know. I'm not. I'm trying to figure out where to begin. How do I heal?
I've realized that I self sabotage, through impulse. I had this attention seeking behavior that I thought was "just me". And I'm starting to feel like I don't want or need the attention anymore. The problem is that people around me have been used to me being a certain way and they may interpret my changes as uninterested, which is awful. I don't want to hurt people I love, I see so many traits my father had in me. Or at least, in me, before this treatment. I know I shouldn't count my chickens, but it's hard to deny these "next levels" in my brain. I feel like I broke through a huge wall and can actually feel these feelings like never before.
But now what?
@LostDollNC
Maybe a start good enough is like telling yourself: "There were enough bad experiences in my past, and now it's time I am gonna be happy and live my life in full"?
From my humble experience: A change can often be challenging. However, it is usually worth trying. To many people a change might be even scary, but... Don't worry about your connections. Your growing might make your weak connections to vanish, your strong connections to become even stronger. And you can always meet some new friends on the way.
You look to be a fine person: strong, thoughtful and with a sense of humour.
Have a valuable day! 😊
P.S. I really like your motto about squirrels 😁
@LostDollNC
From all you have described it sounds as if you are already treading along a path towards self realisation. It is great to hear how you feel your new treatment is helping you and your analysis of all the aspects regarding it highlights this.
I can understand how self doubt can creep in, but you need not see your introspection as complaining, or that changes in how you think and behave might effect others. Things you have endured can have long lasting effects and it can take time to overcome. Your concern for your loved ones feelings shows empathy, and that is not diminished by a shift in behaviour. If they love you, they will take pleasure in the newer, happier you.
Be gentle with yourself. Some things take time, and small baby steps still get you to the same destination as big leaps. You are the best judge of what works for you and what makes you feel good.
Wishing you all the best.