I don’t feel like my “trauma” is valid

Hi. Trauma is in quotes in the title because im not even really sure if this counts as trauma?

basically, here’s what happened. I’m 16, most of this happened when I was 15. This went on for over a year. I was only able to escape the cycle a few months ago. I also think it’s worth mentioning that im autistic, which I feel like plays into this a bit because of the whole “strong sense of morality” thing.

im not gonna go into super detail but: basically my friends (at the time as young as 14) were doing drugs, drinking, smoking, vaping, etc. I’ve seen what that kind of thing has done to my dad’s side of the family. Aunt and uncle are drug addicts, they live miserable lives. Grandmother and grandfather are nic addicts. It’s just genuinely not a good situation. This combined information was enough to send me spiraling for, again, over a year. These were people that I cared about who were (and still are) harming themselves. At so young too. I was also scared that my parents would find out somehow and forbid me from being around them even though I was never pressured or even offered anything. (I eventually did end up breaking down and telling my mom everything and she took it much better than I thought she would. I wasn’t forbidden from hanging out with them, but I have decided not to hang out with 2 out of the 4 people in the friend group for unrelated reasons.) they called these hangouts where they would get together and do substances “the function”, and at one point it was so bad that I was in math class and that word came up on a problem (mind you, IN THE CONTEXT OF MATHEMATICS) and I felt genuinely ill. I couldn’t hear that word normally for months, and I still feel a bit of dread when I hear it (just in the context of parties though. I absolutely cannot stand that “when the function got *insert thing here*” meme format because of this.) same thing for the word “cheese”, but im not gonna even scratch that iceberg. Jokes about drugs and underage nicotine/alcohol use also still make me feel panicked and all I can think about is what happened and how I felt. They would constantly joke and talk about it even after I asked them to stop, and it would trigger me into anxiety spirals or panic attacks. Something that also didn’t help is that I had an EXTREMELY unhealthy attachment to one of the people in this friend group (though they’re one of the two people im *not* friends with anymore for unrelated reasons). I basically put them on a pedestal and hearing about them doing this stuff broke me. I would get incredibly pushed over the edge if they went to one of these parties. If they couldn’t for some reason, I mostly felt fine.

i also had a couple of times where I lashed out at my friends for “ruining themselves” which. Looking back I wasn’t wrong about that sentiment but my actions weren’t right.

there’s a bit more to this but that’s the gist of it. Basically, I feel like I shouldn’t be traumatized by this because no direct harm was caused to me. To me have been in as bad of a state that I was in you would have thought i was forcefully drugged or something. I just feel like a whiny overdramatic *** whenever I think about it. 

Sorry if this isn’t coherent, it’s past midnight and I really need to go to sleep.