I can't handle it anymore

My life feels like it’s been a constant struggle for peace, stability, and even basic safety. It all started with small things—my family wouldn’t let me focus on school, constantly involving me in their conflicts. Eventually, the stress took such a toll that I lost 10 kilos, but no one seemed to care. My father was barely around to support us and often reacted violently. Even when I managed to get a 15 on my exams, he tried to smash my computer as if my efforts weren’t worth anything. I had to study independently, without even going to regular classes, just to keep going.

I had almost no allies. My own aunts, my neighbors, and even some of my teachers sided with those against me, gossiping about my life. They knew every detail because my father would tell everyone, even when I asked him to keep things private. When I confronted him, he responded with violence. At one point, he nearly strangled my mother, and he never hesitated to humiliate us publicly. I’ll never forget the day he called me and my mom slurs out in the open, and how the boys who bullied me overheard it, making everything worse. They took that moment as an opportunity to start an 18+ *** group targeting me. It felt like harassment was inescapable.

These experiences left me hyper-alert, always afraid of people’s judgments. My mom raised me on constant warnings to avoid anything that might make people talk, which only made me feel like an easy target for anyone who wanted to criticize or hurt me. One day, in desperation, I reached out to one of my dad’s acquaintances who offered help with work and housing. I thought he’d be an ally, but instead, he betrayed my trust, spreading my words around to damage my reputation further.

My family eventually moved to a new town, which slightly improved my mental health, but not by much. My dad hasn’t changed at all, and his attitude just leaves me feeling bitter. He tells me to “accept my hardships because it’s God’s will,” as if I should be okay with all the suffering. I never even got to study the field I wanted, while everyone who hurt me seems to move on with their lives, celebrating their own achievements.

But perhaps the worst part of it all is how deeply my family’s influence reaches, even into the judiciary. Some of my aunts are wealthy and have direct connections within the legal system. One of my abusers, a man who assaulted me, is a judge himself. This means that every time I’ve tried to seek justice, they’ve blocked my attempts. With their influence, they’re able to hold off any legal help I might have gotten, leaving me feeling completely powerless to defend myself or even speak up.

I feel trapped in a cycle that I can’t escape from, like my own family is a cage I can’t break out of. They know where I live, what I’m studying, and they’ve even made it clear that they’ll continue to make my life hard if they can. They say things like, “You’ll suffer just like we have,” as if my pain is just collateral damage in their lives. My father now treats my siblings differently, forgiving their mistakes even when they’re serious. My mom tells me I’m being “proud” or “stubborn” for wanting a better life, and my family accuses me of being “bitter” or “angry.” But who wouldn’t feel this way after being treated like this for so long?

Most days, I’m running on empty, worn down from years of fighting alone. I want so badly to make up for the years I’ve lost and to finally live a life without fear. But it’s hard to see a way out when those in power are determined to keep me from escaping. All I wanted was a chance to live, study, and build my future.