I am figuring things out.

Warning before anyone reads this, I will be talking about my trauma that involves the suicide of my father and relationship problems I’ve experienced.

So in highschool my dad took his own life and I never truly coped with it. I begged and begged my mom to let me go to therapy, but she didn’t budge on that front. After a while I had a job out of highschool and began making plans with this girl I’d been talking to and dating online for 4 years off and on. We planned on moving in together after she visited where I live. Long story short that didn’t go very well. We ended up breaking up six months after being moved in together and my mom had already been the person to tell me not to move in with her in the first place so now she holds this over my head. I experienced a lot of relationship neglect that happened within this relationship that lead me back to my depression and thinking about my dad. My brain would rationalise why it should’ve been me instead of him. Now I realise that this is a poor way of thinking, but it’s something that I do struggle with when it comes to my crashing out so to speak. I’ve been diving in and out of a multitude of relationships, all unhealthy, and am trying to figure out how to be happy alone again. It’s very difficult because my life’s purpose is to bring happiness to others or to atleast make one person laugh one time a day. It’s a goal that I’ve set for myself. But now having that motivating factor and the support from my most recent ex has made things more difficult for me. Idk I’m trying my best to figure things out.