Dead eyes see no future

I was a victim of neglect, physical and verbal abuse and ambivalence during my childhood. Was a non biological son to my father and i always felt like i didn't receive any love from him. My mother was mentally unstable, that lead her to manipulate and harm others on daily basis. She exploded in the face of anyone.

My parents divorced at my 12 birthday, cause my father didn't want to leave the party life. Mother let me know my biological father and he got drunk, i got beated again while she cleaned the dishes. She didn't helped me.

At that point my life went all down into a big abyss, i didnt saw any of my parents like a father or mother anymore. I expend all my life running, trying to survive. The trauma was too much for me.

I lost many of my childhood memories and i used to freeze up withou being able to talk or exploding when i tolerated to much stuff from others. Got emotionally numb and depression was absolutely common for me, oversleeping, not eating or overeating, panic attacks, etc. Got addicted to gaming tho.

At the age of 27 i went to my father house, a less hostile enviroment. Got a gf and a job, things when better until they don't. 3 years later got cheated on and lost the job, my world just broke down and for the first time i started to get emotionally conciouss. I mean, i felt but there was so much mess that i couldn't understand a thing.

Since that day i started my healing journey and it wasn't nice or easy. More with my father in the same house with all his drunk and good for nothing friends and all his entitlement of "i pay for this so it's enough"

I'm 34 atm and i really want to end all this hostile enviroment stuff, to completely heal and be able to enjoy life. The journey is hard but it did helped me a lot, got literally puched and unvalidated a lot in the way but it all helped me to realize their path isn't healty and i'm not going down with em.

There is a person in youtube who helped me lots, you can check him in Yo utbe, Tim Fletcher. He talks about complex trauma and how to heal.

I'm really struggling with loneliness atm, without friends or another support than 7cups, but i'm so gratefull for all the listeners that helped me through all this. Without all em i don't know if i could be able to make all this progress.

For anyone reading this, i know life isn't easy but don't let your hopes down. Keep in mind that all the effort you put into having a healty mind will make a better future for yourself. It's hard now but later it will not.

So don't let your eyes see only black, cause dead eyes see no future.