April

Hey! so this is my first post so I hope Im doing this right!

As you all probably know April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. Which I think is awesome that theres a month for that. I guess I just wanted to share a little bit about my experience as a SA survivor.

So  BIGGGGG TW for SA, Depression, loss, grief, manipulation, gaslighting, anxiety, d****ing, and abuse.

About exactly a year ago I started dating a guy, it was my first relationship and he kind of swept me off my feet. We had known each other for a couple months (but hadnt really talked) untill this event came up. We were both going so we met up there and at the end of the event he told me he liked me which I thought was kind of soon but I over looked it and was just kind of stupid and in love. So we were dating, and it was going really well. Except he was really weird about when we were absolutly sure we were dating. I told him we had been dating from the dance but he needed like verbal confirmation. I thought it was weird but I didnt really care. As soon as we started dating he would kind of pressure me into making out with him or letting him be touchy. Which again i thought ew thats gross because were in a public setting. He would constantly be touching my chest, thighs and back every single moment i saw him. or he would try to make out with me. When he was with his friends he would do it in front of them and talk about having sex with me in gross ways. one time he showed me texts where him and his friend were joking about d****ing me so they could do stuff without me knowing. Every time i saw him he would touch me so it got to the point where i had to wear super baggy clothes so people wouldnt see. He would do it in front of old men and they would stare at me. I would tell him not to do it and to stop but he would literally say "You know you like it, let me do it." During this whole time i felt dirty and gross. Everytime I would go to see him i would get butterflies in my stomach and want to throw up because I was so worried he was going to take it to far. Finally it got to the point where he tried to do something i was really uncomfortable with and i said no and he kind of listened. After that he immediately broke up with me. Even after all of that I still loved him so i didnt reallt know what to think.

When i finally realized that I had been SAd I was actually surpised and thought I was faking it. I opened up about it to my friends and they legitimately told me "Hes a good person he would never do that." It made me feel like I was crazy.

No matter what ultimately happened in the end Im so grateful that hes out of my life now. The trauma of it all is still there even after a year, of course its left me with wounds that i probably will never be able to truly heal. But in the end Im glad Ive finally accepted it for what it was.

Wow okay that was alot of writing. Thank you for reading all thatttt <3 This is your sign to tell your story!