A diary entry (dont mind me speaking in 3rd person. It helps.)

I feel sorry for myself.

I have hit my rock bottom.

Tired face. 

Fat body.

Jobless.

Laying on bed all day.

Can’t go down because there’s an old man downstairs that makes me feel unsafe and threatened. 

She literally traumatized him with her behaviors and that hurts her too because she also knows her grandfather has been good to her and she might be just projecting that’s why she’s so scared. 

She abandoned her dad when her dad needed her 

because the truth was she couldn’t adjust she couldn’t handle the pressure and that she couldn’t get along with the people there (my stepfamily)

although she knows they were good to her. 

she just felt that they were all fake. 

and she couldn’t get along with that.

she was not strong enough. 

she quit school and uni because she felt inferior at uni too and she couldn’t socialize like others 

she had a job she enjoyed, but did not cherish. because if she did - she would do better when it comes to her performance. she took it for granted. 

so they let her go.

the ‘boyfriend’ whom she ‘fell in love with’ and comforted her in all those months after she picked herself up and worked - didn’t work out. because she was too fearful and questioning and the boyfriend probably used her, and didn’t love her enough - and didn’t understand that these fears stems from the fear of losing him. The pact they had of me visiting there couldn’t happen it either.

She never bought her something to eat or anything. Its one of the things she didn’t like about him. And she felt undervalued and appreciated for what she is giving. All she got were *** pics, and satisfactory pics, and not so passionate video calls. Its disgusting. How basic he is. And how he just didn’t appreciate you enough. And probably is looking for someone outside of you. 

And he is autistic. 

Which just makes it difficult to understand him. So in a way that all had to end.

Then she reached back to bipolar man. 

Its her only connection now.

He is the only one now who knows her 

and appreciates the beauty she has within. Somehow he helped mellow down that pain. Cause he is on standby.

She slowly died. 

As she realizes that he is a companion but he isn’t really someone who’s going to show up for you the way David showed up for although you appreciate the way he shows up and cares.

I appreciate him. But nowadays I feel myself dying. But not feeling it. The pain. The numbness and distractions. In between, that hope in me is withering away. Like hope that life can get any better. It isn’t. 

I’m still hoping someone is going go save me.

That I just go deeper and deeper to my rock bottom.

More fatter each day. 

More deeper my eye bags go on.

More laundry piling up. 

More days just distracted 

And dying 

And letting time pass by 

Time that i will probably regret later on when i realized how i could have used this time to make better decisions for myself

Time wasted not thinking and analyzing what i should be doing with my life to take care of myself and make it better the way i can because maybe no one’s going to save me. No one. 

I get uglier by the day 

And i get more ashamed 

And more weak cause people here bring me down people here don’t understand me and I can’t really put with that

I have no one 

And I’m afraid that it will make me crazy

Im afraid that no one will ground me 

Im afraid that I’m isolated and scared alone

That’s probably why i do this to myself

How can i even save myself when I’m in this hopeless situation 

How can i even get out of it alive when right now, I’m already dead unable to put up with *** 

And i feel unsafe. I feel threatened everywhere i go. 

It is so *** tiring. 

I guess this is a cry for help. Or at least to make someone feel better about their situation. Whatever it is. Because there are definitely worse cases and you should take action take care of yourself before it even reaches this point.

sometimes life didn’t hand us nice cards. and what I honestly think is the greatest blessing life can give to a person is great parents. A great childhood. A safe space to help a person explore the world. To build trust within themselves and the people around them. So they grow up into adults who want to contribute, who want to share, who knows how to connect.

not fearful people such as I.

who’ve grown up in a neglectful and careless household. Who doesn’t know who to do it for. What her purpose is. Who distracts her pain. And thinks someone can show her love and save her.

Because what can I even do?

this is all of it for now