How to support your SO/ Partner with DID
Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder can be isolating.
Media portrayals of the condition are often stigmatizing, making the people who have it seem dangerous or unpredictable. This stigma, combined with the fact that only 2% of the population lives with a dissociative identity disorder, can leave many people living with the condition hesitant to seek professional help or open up to loved ones.
When you find out that your partner has dissociative identity disorder, your first instinct may be to feel frightened or to question if they’re the person you thought they were. However, these doubts and fears are unfounded. Dissociative identity disorder is a mental health condition with its roots in trauma. The people who have it aren’t inherently threatening and they’re just as deserving and capable of love and compassion as everyone else.
How to help your SO (significant other):
Try to deal with the alters on their own level. Many are children, so you have to relate to them as such. Set limits, don't yell or argue, and don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of (but don't be preoccupied with the thought of being taken advantage of).
If you have or like children, this is excellent preparation for interacting with alters. Remember though, that an alter might be only five, but he is a very ADVANCED five. He might know how to drive. She might be 10, but she took all the college math courses for your SO.
Never underestimate the alters. And never lie to or break a promise to an alter. You have to have an atmosphere of trust and communication. Remember - they were abused and lied to in the first place. You have to be someone they can trust.
If you want to address a certain alter, try to only address the alter who's out at time. If you want to speak to a different one, ask the out personality to send a message, if that's possible. If there's danger, ask for the appropriate part.
If they want to talk or interact with you, they will. Your job is to create a trusting, loving atmosphere. Since they were hurt, it's very difficult for them to trust anyone. They can also become wonderful friends.
Frequently, alters are not aware of time or location. Some may be frozen in the time the abuse took place. If possible, you can try to make the alter aware of the time, place, and year. This can sometimes help. If someone's constantly on the lookout for abusers, you can make them aware that the abuser is far away (if this is true), or dead, and that they are safe. It happened in the past and although their pain is real, it's not going to happen now.
Alter logic:
- "I didn't buy that. I'd never wear that."
- "All men are bad."
- "I just know you're going to hurt me - maybe not now, but soon."
You'll hear all sorts of interesting things from the mouths of alters. You must remember that these people grew up in their own little universe, with radically different rules and beliefs from what we consider normal.
Each alter was `born' for a purpose, and generally has a pretty set way of thinking and doing things. So you'll be greeted with some totally outrageous statements, but try not to sound too surprised: you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Switching:
Another tricky aspect of this is the switching. When your SO feels threatened, they may switch. What's odd about this is that it can be caused by something totally inconsequential (to you). It could be a reflection, a word, a person, something that reminds your SO of something traumatic in her past, or any number of things.
Switching also takes place when one of the alters takes control.
Odds are you aren't going to know who abused your SO at first. Memories come back in pieces, sort of like parts of a movie. They can describe watching what happened from above.
Until the memories come back, you just have to be careful. They might feel drawn to their abuser, like a child who strives to please their parents. If you don't know, there's nothing you can do, other than to keep them safe.
Headaches are caused by switching, as is fatigue. Believe it or not, this is hard work, even if it's not conscious work.
Self care:
Taking care of yourself is very important, take a step back if needed. You aren't there to fix your partner but you are there to support them.
Take regular breaks. This includes taking breaks during the day and planned times for you, an example is going for a walk outdoors.
- During stressful times, it’s easy to overlook your own needs.
- Look for ways to include activities you enjoy within your usual routine.
- Spend time with people you like to be with.
- Remember to look for fun and to laugh.
- Stay in the moment – notice the times when you are enjoying things.
- Know that it’s okay to be gentle with yourself and to take things more slowly
Thank you for this, these are some great tips! I got a lot to think about….. I think maybe some people with DID have more radically different “alters” than others. Like in the person I’m thinking of, the surface level differences seem very starkly different in terms of philosophical or temperamental differences, but I can pretty much still tell it’s him, there are core similarities… compassion, humor, warmth, a good caring friend… avoidance is a common trait too though not one of the more positive ones (though I understand it as a trauma survivor myself). They’re just like different parts of him, I’m always able to tell when it’s him in writing too, even when different sides of his personality / “different personalities” come out. I think maybe even though on some level it’s hard for him to hear that all these parts are still him, that he finds it oddly comforting, albeit a bit unnerving at times, when I can tell it’s him. It’s like he deliberately leaves hints for me of his core self, that might be imperceptible to most people but that I pick up on. I hope maybe just this validation that yes they’re different facets of him but I still see him underneath it all maybe makes him feel safer and helps him calm the trauma a bit. I hope.
@Njorun1338 Thank you for your reply, Im happy it has some great tips! you are right all alters have something "known" because its all part of one person. I can understand it can be confronting to him to hear you still recognize him in his alters.
It’s odd, it’s almost like it’s confronting / challenging at times, I’m sure it triggers some survival response the alters were created to protect something, but I can see sometimes it’s almost comforting too, like he’s happy I’m able to appreciate these sides of him and still love him and not fear him. I hope that’s the case anyway, that’s what it seems like, on the more positive side of things.