Can't stay long

It started in my early 20s, the trauma, pain and responsibility put on such a young person and I was determined to carry it silently. Slowly I went off course until I no longer recognized myself, but had I even had the chance to develop myself? I was so alone, and over and over again came the blows of betrayl and heartache until I stopped wanting to be in my body. I feel numb, little by little I try to heal after so many many years of staying detached and everytime being inside myself has me bawling and shaking uncontrollably. Until I feel myself shut off again, I can't stop it. It'd just too much pain. No one can understand me, and so many judge. No one truly loves anyone. It's all about them. And I am always failing. I'm always failing.