just left a 10year physically and emotionally abusive realationship with a narcissistc

where do i start? well i dont know because hes not here to tell me. literally, i went from being the social butterfly to not leaving my hotel room but to go pay for it, because my anexity goes to high if i go to far and cant get back to the room fast enough incase i get a date. and all because i use to get the crap beat out of me for missing dates because i wondered off to far from the room.

i remember a conversation i had with him, where i literally said, " fine any want, any like, any desire that i had i have no longer im throwing them on the floor, for you to step on and ill replace them for you......all you" and all he did was smile and say good girl. because any time i did something i liked or wanted to do something so bad that i would enjoy he would tell me no, or tease me with it as like it was a game. and dangle it infront of me like a prize, and when i didnt meet his standards to be awarded it, i never got it. so i got tired of hurting emotionally that i said foreget it, if i dont want or desire anything then it wont hurt any more....and thats the day i died inside.

ive been away from him now for almost 6 monthes all though i just seen him a week ago, he came to my room and decided to tell me how much of a fuck up i am, and how i shouldnt use his name because he doesnt want anyone to know im a product of him. then he literally beat me down to the point where all i could do is cry uncontrobaly, have snot running down my face and tears flooding my cheeks, and leaving a 30 year old un able to form any words, but mumble. all i could do is mumble because i couldnt form words.....how in the world.... god damn him....and when i was so confused i laid my head down and my hair covered my eyes and he couldnt see them open, but i watched as he got up off the chair and walked out....he just left

how does someone beat someone so low and then just get up and walk away like its nothing. the physical abuse is nothing, all the brusies heal. the markings are just reminders of what happend. like being whipped 27 times with the extension cord because i lied to him about something i dont remember, but he wouldnt stop that when he took me to the hospital i had to convience the nurse that it was whippings from an extension cord and i wasnt burnt. she thought i was burned......the black eyes, fat fips, being stabbed or tied by my wrists to the bumper of the car and dragged around the block,. all of that meant shit!!!!!!!!! me giving up my family, friends, house, car and my career for him because i wanted to be his perfect girl. and still it wasnt enough...

i spent 10years waking up everytday ready to start my day and make sure i didnt mess up that day and still try and fix the day befores......10 years!!!!!!!!!!!!! went by and i didnt even know. i cant belive it.....how does he argue me to the point that now, i doubt what really happend, did it? or am i over exsaggerating? i dont know. who knows....because the last time we argued he left me on my knees in the hotel room balling like ive never cried before, and so confused i didnt even know who i was!!! me....i didnt even know my name,where i was from or where i was at... how the hell does a person do that....thats the worse feeling in the world...not knowing your own god damn name..

and after all of this, which is just the tip of the iceburg......i cant help but still love his stuopid ass, i cant help but look for his car ever parking lot around every corner and hope that he sees me walking, and hope that hell come out. why ???? im just weak i suppose like he says... i dont know...but my heart achs i want him so bad its killing me.